xmas redux

Since Christmas last year, I've been dreading the happy holiday this year. I've changed in so many ways, and yet remained the same in others. I've worked my butt off, I've slept very little, I've cried lots (sometimes from laughing), I've lost, I've discovered, I've rediscovered, I've loved, I've hated, I've loved again, I've been hurt, I've been injured. It's been a year to remember, to say the least.

To my surprise, this year, once I returned to RD, I felt instantly at home. I've missed this dirty city; well, I've missed TnT more than anything. When I saw TnT, I nearly cried, I was so happy to just be near it again. I miss those boys so, so much.

When I got home, after the expected hugs 'n' such from the mother, we settled right into our tradition of each being on a computer, right next to each other, and not talking. It was perfect. Then something reminded me! (probably Facebook) I wanted to share something with my mom! PHAO. As expected, she loved it, and all was well with the world.

Heading to the Chapel for the Xmas Eve service, I began to get nervous about all the people I'd see, and haven't seen in months (years?). But all passed in a pleasant blur, and mom and I returned home, only to sit at our respective computers for the next few hours. Some may think us sad for our tradition of sitting so close and yet not actually communicating, but we enjoy it, so I say Pah! to anyone who may think that.

Christmas passes in the most awesome way possible (2 naps!), and somewhere along the way, I actually convinced my mom to wrap the turkey in bacon. Her reaction the first time I suggested it: Why? My response: Why not? And somehow she AGREED. Best. Turkey. Ever. I didn't take any with me when I left, so she's probably still eating it.

So. How did I get home, some of you may wonder? Well, I happened to accept the offer of a ride from JR. Yup, you read that correctly. I spent 4.5 hours in a car with my ex. Twice actually, because we came home together, too. And except for the initial awkwardness (which, I hope was only me thinking it was awkward, not actually because it was awkward), it was quite nice, and it reminded me of all the reasons why we're still friends. The elephant in the back seat did make an appearance in conversation on the way home, and I was able to clearly (competently? less incoherently?) voice my thought processes on the night I broke up with him. Thankfully, he took it all in stride (actually, I think he may have been the one who initially brought it up), and commended me (in a weird way) for listening to God instead of just taking the route I wanted.

My exact explanation, verbatim? "God said no."

Honestly though, we were only together for exactly 2 weeks. And who would have thought that I would be the one to end my first relationship? I certainly didn't, that's for damn sure. God just seemed to blindside me with a resounding NO when I brought my relationship before Him, and the more I fought Him on it, the louder His answer became. There were also a few very small signs (5 stitches is small, right?) that told me I was being stupid in running. 'Freak accident' or not, I believe that was God kicking me in the face (well, wrist), and forcing me to listen. Thankfully I didn't have to drive off the rooad and down a hill for that to happen (actually happened to JR last year). So I did. It may have taken me a few more days, but I did eventually listen. And except for the actual I-broke-up-with-my-first-boyfriend part, it hasn't been too terrible. We're on the same worship team at church/are both part of the Lunch Group, which forced a familiarity quite soon after I ended things, which was most likely for the best.

I’m learning that I tend to run from situations/silently put up with crap that I don’t want to deal with/stand up to, and I will run from/put up with it for a long time. Two and a half years (so far) is my record, and as it stands, it’ll end at the three year mark. But! Less about work, more sleep. I’ll leave with a couple final thoughts.

Keep fit and have fun,
-L

This was just too good to not share!

Oh, and Happy Christmas everyone!!

-L

Blast from the past, much?

I've been feeling rather nostalgic, and have probably read over the majority of my old posts/organized them finally. While being all nostalgic and stuff, I came across these beauties that were just too good not to share:

Steve Don't Eat It
On The Moon

Ohmigosh. SO FUNNY.

O Holy Crap

You NEED to listen to this guy! This song is an awesome mix of grossly horrifying and scarring.



I dare you to listen to the whole thing.

Christams.

First off, those of you who know the story will know that the title of this post is not a spelling error.

Second, I'm quickly learning that nail polish is soooooo not worth it. I just spent the past 25 minutes "doing my nails," which consisted of me spilling the nail polish on my tablecloth, cleaning it up, painting my nails once entirely, deciding they weren't pretty enough, taking the polish off, putting on a base coat, painting 8 nails, spilling the (dark purple) polish on the beige carpet in the dining room (why oh why didn't I just do this in the bathroom?!), using countless cotton balls and half a bottle of nail polish remover to try my best to get it out of the carpet, thus ruining my 8 painted nails in the process, then deciding that it wasn't worth it, and taking all the polish off, once and for all. So not worth it.

So, Christmas. It snuck up on me yet again, and this year has thrown a couple new rocks at me in the process: I'm going home for 1.85 days total, and am making the 4 hour trip with my ex. Such is my life.

[Update on the nail polish situation: my cuticles were still all purple from the two failed previous attempts, so I decided that I was going to make my nails purple if it was going to kill me. So I did! I'm happy to announce that I have now successfully painted my nails for the first time in a year!]

Onwards to the more confusing parts of my life. Work has been challenging at the best of times recently. I was told today that the food I produce 'looks like shit.' I'm trying my best to believe he wasn't being serious, but it's extremely difficult to not internalize a statement like that, especially when I've been having such a rough go at it lately. This is a job I've had for two and a half years now, and the guy who's been there for a few months (but who has his Seal already, which is important) feels confident enough in his position to tell me something like that, then promptly kick me off the line (where all the food is cooked in a commercial kitchen) is mind boggling. The fact that he got away with it left me speechless for a couple hours. Literally. I stood in the back hall (the farthest point away from line that's still in the kitchen), and peeled masking tape labels off about 50-some-odd lids for the 16L pails we use. No one even noticed I was there, unless I was in their way, which made the internalizing process that much more damaging. While standing there thinking 'This is the best use of your skills from being here for two and a half years? Really? This is a joke.'

During my time in my back hall exile, came to a conclusion and made a resolution about my life. I'll share the conclusion, but not the resolution (for personal reasons). I've said it before, and I've known for some time (but without acknowledging) that I honestly and truly believe that I am not meant to be happy. I'm also fairly certain that I'll be single for a large part of my life. And seeing so many couples appearing in the most unlikely people, hearing about so many engagements/pregnancies/births etc... is getting really old, really fast.

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else


I guess I should go pack now. Peace, all.

-L

There's an L on your forehead, and it doesn't stand for Loser...

...Liar!



Most of the time, I'm really glad that people think I'm not a very good liar. However, most of the time I say I'm a terrible liar, I'm lying. I'm also sarcastic to a fault. Truthfully? I hate both of these things about myself, but I'm not sure how to go about changing them. Also, most of the time, I'm not even sure I want to change them. Oh well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to a final decision.



At the moment, I'm sitting in the computer lab at school, waiting for a classmate of mine, so we can go see a play. I'm terribly excited that I finally [read: FINALLY] found someone who was actually free tonight, and am glad that he's beside himself excited, but at the same time, I'm quite disappointed that none of my first choices were available. I've had this feeling that I made the wrong choice the night I broke up with JR for a few days now. It's not a nice feeling to have, but it's there, and there's nothing I can do about it.


My relationship was new, and could be described as awkward, at best. It was my first relationship, so I had no idea what I was doing 99% of the time, so it took me a few days to figure out what felt off. I liked [really, really liked] him so much, which made it infinitely harder to break up with him. After he left, I felt like shit (sorry for the language), and continued to feel the same way for a few days. I spent the days after immersing myself in work (despite the first day off that I'd been scheduled in a few weeks), and did very little else. During that time, I came to the realization that I really do love my job, and will always be comforted (and sometimes haunted) that it will always be there for me.

When I started at CP two and a half years ago, I had three other jobs, and hardly, if ever, slept. It was sort of comperable to dating 4 people at the same time, actually. I could never keep my schedules straight, I was always (ALWAYS) tired, and was never happy. When I began to look at my life like that, I realized that I should focus on one job, just as people focus on one significant other at a time (or, if they don't, they should). Once I quit my three other jobs (in one week, too), and began focusing on CP, I began improving at an astronomical rate, compared to what it had been before. The most significant thing that changed was that I started caring for a job that I'd hated, and then in time, began to love it. And now that I've spent the past two years 'seeing' CP, it's fairly difficult fitting anything else into the mix. Then JR came along, and I tried, I really tried, to make it work. But, as before, I found myself tired all the time, not able to focus at work (my first love), and always feeling sick because I felt like I was cheating on each of them, with the other. And after only a couple weeks, I ended my first relationship. I'm fairly certain that I blinsided him with it, and never, ever again want to see hurt and betrayal in someone's eyes when they're looking at me.

I've made a resolution/goal/rule for myself for any new relationships I may enter: he must know and understand that until I get my Red Seal, CP will be my first love. I am an apprentice (read: bondservant) of that restaurant, and am at its mercy until I'm done school in May. Painful, trying, frustrating, agonizing, joyful and rewarding as it may be, I'm there for the long haul. Even if the bad outweighs the good and I find myself carrying a letter of resignation around in my purse every day, I just have to consciously find things to make me happy, and keep on keeping on.

And all we know is that things aren't getting better,

So we both hide out as we weather out this storm.

Until we both find hope, we will make each other suffer,

So we go our seperate ways, and hope our paths will cross.

words, hands, hearts

My life has been terribly interesting and agonizingly busy lately, to say the least. I wish I'd written when all the emotions were still fresh in my mind, but it may be best that I dealt with them all personally, just God and me, and not posted them all over the internet. In the course of the past month, I've come to know love (or, at least the very beginings of what could have been love), jealousy, hatred, self-loathing, pity, and have seen a depth of pain that I never want to see again for the rest of my life.

Recently, I read a blog all about "A Day In My Mind," and it got me thinking (which is kind of what blogs are set to do, right?). If someone were to spend even one day in my mind, seeing things as I see them, experiencing things as I do, and knowing what I know... I think they probably wouldn't survive. This past weekend, one of my best friends (KG) came down to Leth to visit and such. I cleared my schedule as much as I could, and tried to get her involved with everything I couldn't dump or avoid for three days. She was down Friday, Saturday and Sunday until around noon. Bearing in mind that I had cleared my schedule to the best of my ability, allow me to let you have a glimpse of what this 'relaxed' weekend looked like:

[Leading up to the weekend: First off, I'd been planning this Christmas party with a girl from church, and despite how excited I was about the event itself, I was having one heck of a time trying to find all the hours I needed to plan/prep for it. Wednesday, I was at CP by 7.30a to let the prep crew in, then from 11-1.30p, B and I went shopping for all the decorations etc that we'd need, then I worked 2-10p. Thursday, I was at CP by 7.30a again, ran some errands I'd been neglecting for the past few weeks, then was back at work 11a-8p, went grocery shopping for the party the next day from 9p-11p, went home, and began prepping the food. When I was totally spent around 3a, I collapsed into my bed, was awake by 5a, and back at CP by 6.30a with all my food, to use some of the equipment I needed, but didn't own. Officially began working at 8a, when the prep crew showed up, and continued to work until 4.15p, when KG came to the restaurant to pick me up. And this is what the actual 'weekend' looked like:]

Friday, 4.15pm: Still at work, watching the hands tick by the seconds that have passed since KG got here. Slightly freaking out because I'm 98% sure I've missed something important for the party, and can't figure out what it is or how I can fix it. I have a bad feeling about tonight.

4.25pm: After signing off with KK, BG, and JS (who doesn't even know/care what's going on), I'm finally allowed to leave! I'm changed in about 3 minutes (a personal record, for actually changing out of my full uniform), and out the door by 4.30.

4.33pm: Arrive at the church, only to find we're locked out. After a few minutes of knocking, DK lets us in, and I proceed to look for SB (who told me she'd be there, but never answered her phone). We find her in the basement, and all is well. After B arrives, fashionably late and fabulous of course, we set up and create as perfect an atmosphere as possible in the drafty church.

5pm: KG and I leave, so I can go home and shower (and not smell like a dirty kitchen man, thank goodness). We get to my house, and I hop in the shower after some quick introductions, as TB was home at the time.

6.20pm: A little late in leaving, but will still get there on time, thankfully. Until B sends me "Could you pick up some ice?" via text. Sure, why not? The hostess is allowed to show up fashionably late to her own party, right? So we get ice, then head to the church.

6.40pm: (10 minutes after party was scheduled to start) I'm in the middle of setting up, and finally realize what I'd been forgetting...crackers for the hummus dip and bruschetta I'd made! Shoot. So, KG and I haul ass to London Drugs, execute the most perfect 5 minute shopping trip ever, and get back to the church ASAfreakingP.

6.50pm: Finally, I can breathe, relax, and enjoy my party! I pull off my coat, hang it up, set up the rest of my food, and mingle (stealthily avoiding JR, who isn't wearing the ugly plaid suit like I thought he would). I look around and honestly can't believe how many people showed up! This is AWESOME.

9.30pm: We're in the middle of cleaning up (picking confetti off the floor, dumping juice down the sink, etc...) when I hear people talking about going to a movie. What a perfect end to a perfect day! So we all finish cleaning quickly, and converge around Fish at the computer. We decide on The Tourist, I think, and all head out.

9.45pm: We all get to the theatre and find out that the new Narnia movie (which wasn't listed on the website, for the record) is playing at 10.05, so we change our minds and decide to see that instead. As I'm paying for my ticket, I realize that it'll end after midnight. Ah well, too late now.

10pm: We all pile into theatre 10, and settle ourselves into our comfy seats and sexy 3D glasses. I'm not sure exactly what time it was, but I definitely fell asleep for a small portion of the movie (bearing in mind that I've been awake and running for the past 17 hours), then when I woke up, had absolutely no idea what was going on for a few minutes. Luckily, the movie was easy enough to follow that I fell right back into the plot in no time, and didn't fall asleep again (during the movie, anyways).

Saturday, 12.30am: KG and I finally get home, and are just getting ready for bed when TB and MW come home and start watching tv. KG had been planning on sleeping on the couch, but wanted to go to bed asap, so I gave her my room. I'll bet she was alseep 10 seconds after her head hit the pillow.

2am (I think?): A long, long time after my vision blurred because of lack of sleep, TB finally went to bed, so I crashed on the couch about 3 minutes after MW left. I'll bet I was asleep about 10 minutes after my head hit the pillow.

7.28am: After sleeping through 2 alarms, KG wakes me up, and tells me that it's 7.30. We had planned to leave at 7.45. Crap. Well, I haul my sorry butt out of bed, and stumble around, grabbing things and getting ready at the same time. (Needless to say, I was unhappy about sleeping in.)

8.05am: Make it to the restaurant, only to find that TR actually showed up this morning. Lovely. Also, I realize after telling KG I'd be 2 minutes, the prep charts aren't done. Super. So I rush through them as quickly as I can, sorting through the catering stuff from the night before ('Holy crap, was that only last night?!'), and it takes me about 20 minutes to finish, grab my ipod (which I'd forgotten in my haste to leave yesterday), and leave. 2 minutes = 20 minutes, right?

8.30am: KG and I arrive at the college for Rum Ball Making Day for the CCFCC, and settle all in and stuff. After I guzzle a coffee, refill, and slowly finish the next, the day begins and passes in a blur. Until noon, that is.

12pm: After some calculations, ChD and ChS told us that we would have ample leftovers, so we stopped making rum balls, and began packing them all up, so people could take their balls and leave.

1pm: It's quickly dawning on us all that we're not going to have enough product to fill our 104 orders. (That's 2 496 rum balls, if you were wondering.) We try to remedy the situation, but end up failing miserably, as the last 3 batches we had made either contained too much rum, not enough cake crumbs, or some freak combination of the two. (Which, considering the fact that we'd all been sampling the rum all day...maybe not such an accident. Whatev.) So we all pile into the refrigerated meatcutting classroom (with a consistant temperature of 3 degrees) and roll the balls as fast as we can, but they're all melting into little puddles right before our eyes, and we're getting frustrated. ChD comes in around this time, and asks if we're okay with spaghetti for lunch. Obviously, after being there for 5 hours and only consuming coffee and rum, and given the chance to warm up as none of us can feel our fingers anymore, we answer with a resounding YES PLEASE.

2.30pm: After a delightful (hot!) lunch of spaghetti and meatsauce with spicy Spolumbo sausage and the expected sit-around-and-tell-kitchen-war-stories time, we head back to work.

3pm: ChD is quickly getting frustrated with the rum puddles as well, I can tell that the day is far from being over, I'm starting to feel the 7 hours of sleep I've had in the past 48 hours, and I choose this time to collectively decide for myself and KG that we're done for the day.

3.30pm: We head back to my house, and each dive head-first onto our respective couches, and settle in for a well-deserved nap.

4.05pm: My phone rings. However, before I answer, I fling myself off the couch and down the hall, so as not to wake KG, who's still sleeping. It's KK calling to see if I've seen his wallet. I haven't, he curses a few times, we hang up, and I go back to my couch. I'll bet I fell asleep within 15 seconds.

5pm: AK calls for some fashion advice, and I decide that rather than fling myself off the couch yet again, I'll stay put for the conversation I assume will be short.

5.30pm: AK and I finally hang up, because she has to go to her staff Christmas party for her new job. By this time, I'm in my room, so I go back to the living room (hoping for more nap time), only to find that KG is awake. Oh well, if I'd slept more, I won't sleep tonight, and that's probably the last thing I need at this point. KG and I hang out for a while, then we collectively decide we're hungry and head to Cheesecake for dinner.

7.30pm: We make it to the restaurant, and are told that we have a 20 minute wait for a table. KG wants cheesecake, so we wait. We chat/people watch until our table is ready, and have a delicious appetizer, dinner and dessert. 'Twas quite lovely when all was said and done.

9pm: KG and I finally head home, and fall into our respective beds for the night.

Sunday, 9am: KG wakes me up yet again (since when do I sleep in?!), and we proceed to get ready for church. BG informs me that he'll be coming to church, too, so I'll have two shadows following me around. Sweet.

10.06am: We get to church, find BG, find seats and settle in. We're sitting quite a bit farther back than I usually like, but they're new, so I go easy on them; the huge speakers sitting right in front of the stage aren't always the most fun for people who aren't used to them. By the time people realize that it's me sitting with the new kids, they begin giving me weird looks (which I didn't expect at all), and the weird looks get even more awkward when JR looks out from on stage, sees BG next to me, and I see a flicker of pain in his eyes. Whether either of us likes it or not, I can still read that man like a book. (Which is the subject of another post, another day.) I introduce BG and JR after the service, so as to clear up any confusion they have about one another. I can tell JR still likes me, and it makes things so weird between us. KG leaves.

12pm: We (the Lunch Group) head to the mall for our traditional after church group bonding, and proceed to be ignored by EP (who's on the phone with her fiance, then someone looking for an iphone, then her fiance again, then a friend), and creeped out by BG. Altogether a memorable lunch.

1.30pm: BG and I walk to work, open, close and leave by 9.20, and I'm home by 9.30.

Monday, 1am: Which brings us to now. Would that be a relaxed weekend for any of you, I wonder?

And why am I still awake at 1am, do you ask? The answer is quite simple, actually: when I write, I completely lose track of time. I had originally intended to write this in an hour, but as I look at the clock now, I realize it's taken two. There are worse things that could happen, so I'm pretty okay with it for the moment. When my alarm goes off in 4 hours and 56 minutes, however, I may curse the writing bug. I guess I'll sign off for now, but I hope to write again soon! (...ish?)

Keep fit and have fun!
-L out.

And all we know is that things aren't getting better,

So we both hide out as we weather out this storm.

Until we both find hope, we will make each other suffer,

So we go our seperate ways, and hope our paths will cross.