What If I Stumble?

Hey guys.

Anyone know what it's like to work with food all day; to gather ingredients, prepare it, smell a work in progress and finally, to taste what you've created? It's an amazing job. Truly. I love my job with all my being. It's just that simple, and there're no other words for it. I love my job!

But, on the downside, lately I've been feeling like crap. Plain and simple. It's not the greatest feeling in the world, but it's become more and more natural to me these days. There might be days when I'm feeling really happy, but act like a jerk to everyone I see. Some might say it's just me being moody, others might say it's PMS. When, in fact, it's neither. It's the outcome of some vastly important issues between God and me that I've yet to deal with.

Ever since I moved out here in September, I've been blindsided with so many new issues that I've never had to deal with before I grew up 'n' stuff. It's been tough, but, all in all, really rewarding. I live with four amazing girls, in a house that's full of crazy times, late nights, insanity and fun. One of the girls is crazy smart, but won't admit it to anyone. She's so strong and hospitable that she makes me want to be like her, but I'd never tell her because she'd think I was on something. Another one is, again, really smart. She's so passionate about most everything she does, and never fails to amaze me all the time. There are two other girls, who spend so much time away from home that I really haven't had ample time to get to know them as well as I'd hoped I would when I first moved out here. One of said two is slightly trying on my patience sometimes, but I love her all the same. Although, my idiocyncrasies aren't a valid reason to undo all the time we've known each other. The other of the pair was quite a good friend at the beginning of the summer, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, we've drifted far, far apart in the short time we've shared a living space. I understand that not everyone gets along, and that we each have junk to work through, but it's difficult to see what used to be a good friend slowly turning into just another passer-by. I also understand that we probably have some major differences that'll make this year a little harder than anticipated; with everyone here. But, through challenges, we become far greater than before.

I'm pretty sure this was going to end up as a 'pity party' entry at first, but with God's strength and my own willingness to actually listen to Him more than before, I've overcome some of the smaller issues I've had to work through. Now on to the big leagues...

~Blackbird

Translation, please (part deux)

The French:

So yeah...J'ai decidée d'écrire en français maintenant. Pas pour cacher quelque chose, mais plus pour pratiquer mon français. C'est intéresant, être ici a Evergreen. Les jours sont longues, et les nuits sont si silencieux que quand je suis a la maison, je ne peut pas dormir correctement parce que c'est trop bruiant... haha... ironique, non?

Well, je dois aller dormir maintenant...sweet dreams everyone!

The English:

So yeah...I decided to write in french right now. Not to hide anything, but to practice my french. It's interesting, being here at Evergreen. The days are long, and the nights are so quiet that when I'm at home, I can't sleep right because it's too loud...haha...ironic, no?

Well, I have to go sleep now...sweet dreams everyone!

~Blackbird

Yay for bilingualism!!

So yeah...J'ai decidée d'écrire en français maintenant. Pas pour cacher quelque chose, mais plus pour pratiquer mon français. C'est intéresant, être ici a Evergreen. Les jours sont longues, et les nuits sont si silencieux que quand je suis a la maison, je ne peut pas dormir correctement parce que c'est trop bruiant... haha... ironique, non?

Well, je dois aller dormir maintenant...sweet dreams everyone!

~Blackbird

Eulogy For A Friend

The silence tells me all I need to know
You’re not here with me
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be

And all those times, you saved me from myself
Nights we’d talk ‘til twelve on the phone
Recordings of your voice echo through my mind
Reminding me that you’re not here, that you’re not here with me

The tears can tell them all they need to know
Like what’s really wrong with me
But the tears won’t come tonight

And all those times, I saved you from yourself
Nights we’d talk ‘til twelve on the phone
Pictures of your face make a slideshow in my mind
Reminding me that you’re not here, that you’re not here with me

With a razor to your wrist, watch the crimson flow
Pouring your life on the floor, did you think of me?

And all those times, you saved me from myself
Nights we’d talk ‘til twelve on the phone
Memories of you torture me inside
Make me wish that I could die, that I could die

And all those times, you saved me from myself
Nights we’d talk ‘til twelve on the phone
Memories of you torture me inside
Make me wish that I could die, that I could die…

With a razor to your wrist, will you think of me?

~Blackbird

Listen to this song at: http://www.purevolume.com/lindzreid

Yay

Today was a day of much needed friendship and retail therapy. I seriously didn't realize how much I missed my friends until I spent the day talking and shopping with them. Ooh...and I got strings for my guitar!

Just thought I'd share with y'all.

~Blackbird

For all those who care...I'm putting this here so you can get to know me a little better:

While I dance I cannot judge. I cannot hate. I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. That is why I dance.-- Hans Bos


We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.-- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche


No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.-- Martha Graham


The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.-- W.M. Lewis

That is me...well, I'm not Hans or Fredrich; but I'm sure you understand what I mean.

~Blackbird

Much needed rest.

It's been a while since I've had a day like this...

Today I:
-Woke up late (around 10-ish)
-Spent some good ol' time on the Webernet (aka-> about 6 hours-ish)
-Went to Mom's friend's house and played hero for her kids' MSN issues
-Came back to the Webernet

And, here I am! Seriously, I needed this day just to rest and relax. Just to sing out and not be afraid of being heard. Just to be and not be afraid of being interrupted. Just to cry and not be afraid of being found.

~Blackbird

Oh Gosh...

I just found my one of my old journals in a box in my old room. Yes, I was looking for it, but at the same time, I had no idea what I was going to find. It's from 2004/2005, and, as far as I can tell, I was struggling with some of the very same things that I'm going through right now at my new job. Sheesh, you'd think I'd have learned the first time around. Guess not. I also found a copy of a song we sang last year at camp, and I thought I'd share it with you:

Life-giving spirit, knowing no limit,
Breathe on the broken parts of our hearts.

Relieve the tentions, repair relations;
Close up the gaps that keep us apart.

Through all our illness, reveal your wholeness.
Life-giving spirit, knowing no limit.

Give us the courage to carry on;
Give us the strength to sing a new song.

So true, n'est-ce pas? I thought it was pretty dang relevant to what I'm going through at the moment; God just knows, ya know?

~Blackbird

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

I escaped for the weekend! I'm at home right now...and it feels good to be away from everything camp-ish. Listening to music that I don't have out there and a whole bunch of sitting around and fun stuff like that...

So yeah...that's pretty much it for now. I was just uber excited about going home for a 'weekend.'

~Blackbird

Just a note for those who work with me...if I seem really introverted, it's because I am. If I've never mentionned that detail before; it's true. I could possibly be one of the most introverted people you'd ever meet; I'm just never like that when I'm at camp. Now that the craziness of the summer is wearing off...I'm reverting into what I'm normally like, out in the 'real world.' It's true that I'm dealing with some stuff right now, but I assure you that it's not because I'm dealing with that stuff that I'm quiet and reflective. Oh, and the reason I'm putting these notes here is for y'all to get to know me better...Cheers!

So yeah...

Hello all! Just to update you guys on what's been going on out here the past few days...

If you read in one of my previous posts (because I'm not deleting that which I have written) that I hated my job, please don't understand it that way. I was in the middle of sorting out a whole bunch of stuff, and at the time, I had thought that I had made the wrong decision to stay out here. The reason behind that is easy; I wanted to be more available to some friends who can't contact me all the time out here (with the unreliable internet and no phone line in my house 'n' stuff). Since then, I've had a really good, much-needed discussion with someone and they asked me some questions that I've been putting off answering/running from for quite a while now. I spent some time with God today and tonight, just thinking, pondering and deciding things that, again, I've put off for too long. I know I've said it already, but thank you for talking to me yesterday (you know who you are).

~Blackbird

*Just a note for those who work with me...I know I've been really withdrawn lately, and this is due to some unresolved issues between God and myself. You will see a book with me all the time, for the next little while at least, but if you want/need to talk to me, I will be attentive and listen to you; I just won't initiate anything. Cheers!*

Psalm 23

King David wrote this passage. Before David ever became king he was a lowly shepherd, so this is written with a shepherd's heart.

Each verse in this passage is a promise to the 'sheep'. (Sheep aren't the brightest animals, so they need a leader, or shepherd.) First is the passage itself in bold (the promises that God's made to us, His sheep--KJV style), and in italics are all the sheep's needs that God is fulfilling.
--------------------------
1-The LORD is my shepherd, Significance, certainty, contentment, “I AM somebody! I belong to the Ultimate Somebody!” I shall not want. “I got all I want!” Loving care, free from a sense of fear, free from parasites and other sheep. 2-He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. Peace; “Be still and know that I am God.” He leadeth me beside the still waters. 3-He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Forgiveness, encouragement and guidance. 4-Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; Deliverance from fear though companionship. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Security. 5-Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Provision. 6-Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: Assurance, “We live by Faith, not by sight.” and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Confidence.

-----------------------------

This passage gives everyone comfort and hope.
It's the universal desire for comfort and hope.
The LORD is my Shepherd = The Shepherd is my LORD.
He speaks to out fear and the need for restoration.

~Blackbird

For Vicky...

Here by the water?!

~Blackbird

I guess I can't leave the subject line blank...oh wait, yes I can...never mind...

So, how's everyone doing? Good, I hope. Oh well...life here has been uber fun. I saw a movie last night that was called "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior." Oh my goodness...best martial arts movie I've ever seen! Well okay, so it's the only one I've ever seen. But it's still an uber great movie; trust me on this one. I can tell you that the only thing I learned from that movie is that one should never, and I repeat NEVER become a stunt-person in Thailand. Seriously, if the Thai film industry calls you up one day because they've 'mysteriously' run out of Thai people for stunt work, please do me a favor and DON'T DO IT!

Oh yeah, I was told about the greatest site ever. It's about this guy who eats things that sane people wouldn't even look at, smell or buy...let alone eat.

http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.php

It's so special, it deserves its own paragraph. Seriously, go there, read it. You'll laugh, you'll cry (from laughter); it'll change you. Another exraordinarily amazing site for y'all (yeah, that did just come from me): www.iiiiiiii.com is hilarious. First you have to turn up your speakers to hear the amazigness that is that site. Then, sit back, relax and enjoy!

So, I guess this is the time where I update you guys on what I've been up to for the past while, but if you go and read 'Steve, Don't Eat It!'...you'll know. Gagging right alongside you! Haha...anyways, I think it's time for me to go to bed now...

Sweet dreams!

~Blackbird