Monday, 19 February 2007
bang the doldrums.
Hey y'all!
I figured that since I have the day off and I'm not dead-tired anymore, I'd update on how the job thing's going. It's great. Really. But at the same time, it's no fun at all. I've been there a week and I still don't have an employee number, access to a computer, a desk, a job disription or any training whatsoever. So, basically, this past week was me re-arranging filing cabinets, re-organizing filing cabinets and checkig my e-mail. It was pretty much amazing. Oh, and regular breaks every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Yay for government jobs! But yeah, the people are really nice, too. My first day, I was so nervous that I was going to screw something up, but everyone was telling me how badly they messed up when they were new and so now I feel better about it all.
I'm also not doing what I thought I was going to be doing; I work in the permit office, so they approve permits for oversized/overweight semis driving in Alberta. It's actually pretty interesting stuff. There's a lot more going on in there, but that's the biggest part.
It's been one long week, though. I have to get up at 6.45 to get to work on time and I'm off at 4.30, but my mom's not done work until 5.30 most of the time so I have to wait around for her to haul me home. (Have I mentioned how much I hate being licenceless? Grr.) But hey, it's all turned out great in the 'end.' Not that it's the end for anything except my first week there.
Oh, and Marilee came home on Friday, and she's here for Reading Week, so I'm pretty stoked about that. (Psst...that means that Julia should come and visit!) So yeah, that's pretty much been my week. Woot.
~Blackbird
ps-Luke, that link has changed now...
I figured that since I have the day off and I'm not dead-tired anymore, I'd update on how the job thing's going. It's great. Really. But at the same time, it's no fun at all. I've been there a week and I still don't have an employee number, access to a computer, a desk, a job disription or any training whatsoever. So, basically, this past week was me re-arranging filing cabinets, re-organizing filing cabinets and checkig my e-mail. It was pretty much amazing. Oh, and regular breaks every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Yay for government jobs! But yeah, the people are really nice, too. My first day, I was so nervous that I was going to screw something up, but everyone was telling me how badly they messed up when they were new and so now I feel better about it all.
I'm also not doing what I thought I was going to be doing; I work in the permit office, so they approve permits for oversized/overweight semis driving in Alberta. It's actually pretty interesting stuff. There's a lot more going on in there, but that's the biggest part.
It's been one long week, though. I have to get up at 6.45 to get to work on time and I'm off at 4.30, but my mom's not done work until 5.30 most of the time so I have to wait around for her to haul me home. (Have I mentioned how much I hate being licenceless? Grr.) But hey, it's all turned out great in the 'end.' Not that it's the end for anything except my first week there.
Oh, and Marilee came home on Friday, and she's here for Reading Week, so I'm pretty stoked about that. (Psst...that means that Julia should come and visit!) So yeah, that's pretty much been my week. Woot.
~Blackbird
ps-Luke, that link has changed now...
Thursday, 8 February 2007
Thnks fr th mmrs, Worms
So...it's been a blast these last couple days, I have to say. I saw the Arrogant Worms in concert last night (pretty much on a whim), and they were even more than I thought they would be. I don't think I stopped laughing for a good two hours, even after the concert had ended. When I got home, after the concert and coffee with my friend, it was about midnight, I stayed up a little bit later (why do I do that to myself?..Wait, don't answer that one) and then by the time I fell asleep, it was around 2. Ick. Anyways, I woke up at 8.30 to the sound of my mom leaving for work, and she told me yesterday that she was working the late shift today (12-9), so I thought that it was noon and started to panic because I'm still waiting for the phone call about that cushy government job and they never specified what time of day they'd be calling (they said yesterday, what a bunch of weenies), so I'm trying to be awake around 9 so I don't miss the call. So that was my bit of excitement for the day..and it's only 10am! Shoot, I need to start going to bed at like 10.
Ooh, I highly recommend the Arrogant Worms' new cd, Beige, and Fall Out Boy's new one, Infinity on High, as well. They're both marvelous albums! Although I would recommend that you see the Worms live before recommending that you listen to the cd. They're amazing. Truly.
~Blackbird
ps-I have an interview at 3 today for that cushy government job today, I'll post more on it later...
UPDATE!-So, I went for that interview. I was 10 minutes early, and the lady wasn't even there. Haha...that's gotta be a first! Anways, they asked me a bunch of questions about computer experience and stuff like that and then said they would call me later today to tell me what was going on 'n' stuff. So, mom drives me home and almost as soon as I walk in the home, my phone rings...and it's the lady from the interview calling to offer me the job!! YAY! I guess I work for the government now and fun stuff like that..ooh, and my aunt's also getting me to help her with some website stuff that she can't do. As of today, I am no longer a glorified bum!! eeeeeeeee, I'm SO excited for this!! Dang I need to calm down. Ciao bellas!
Ooh, I highly recommend the Arrogant Worms' new cd, Beige, and Fall Out Boy's new one, Infinity on High, as well. They're both marvelous albums! Although I would recommend that you see the Worms live before recommending that you listen to the cd. They're amazing. Truly.
~Blackbird
ps-I have an interview at 3 today for that cushy government job today, I'll post more on it later...
UPDATE!-So, I went for that interview. I was 10 minutes early, and the lady wasn't even there. Haha...that's gotta be a first! Anways, they asked me a bunch of questions about computer experience and stuff like that and then said they would call me later today to tell me what was going on 'n' stuff. So, mom drives me home and almost as soon as I walk in the home, my phone rings...and it's the lady from the interview calling to offer me the job!! YAY! I guess I work for the government now and fun stuff like that..ooh, and my aunt's also getting me to help her with some website stuff that she can't do. As of today, I am no longer a glorified bum!! eeeeeeeee, I'm SO excited for this!! Dang I need to calm down. Ciao bellas!
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
psst! Don't tell anyone, though....okay?
| You Are 40% Normal |
 |
http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz How Normal Are You?
| In a Past Life... |
 Where You Lived: Scotland. How You Died: The Plague. |
http://www.blogthings.com/pastlifegenerator Who Were You In a Past Life?
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
The many adventures of Blackbird's skilled sale-finding gene...(it's a recessive gene)
So, just thought I'd update y'all on my super-sale finding skillz, yo.
Alright, now that I have that out of my system...Seriously, though; I bought an entire outfit today for THREE DOLLARS. And it's not from the Dollar Store or Value Village either. It's from Ricki's. Oh yes, that's right. I bought a white t-shirt for a whopping 2.99$. So what did that leave me to purchase the skirt that I wanted, too? One penny. Yes, one whole cent is the amount I paid for the skirt. No joke either. The girl who was working the till nearly fell over when she saw it. It was pretty dang sweet, let me tell you.
Ooh, and I got a tip about a sweet, cushy government job today. So I applied, and they're going to call me about it tomorrow morning. I would get paid money to sit in front of a computer screen watching Alberta's intersections all day. And it's not small amounts of money, either. I'm pretty pumped about that one. The only deal with it is that I'd have to sign a three-month contract to work there, because I guess that they've had some issues keeping people on staff for the past little while. Oh well, though...I'm pretty sure I could do it. And at least I'd have something to do, instead of just sitting on my behind all day surfing the world wide webbernet. But yeah, that's my news for the day!
Ciao bellas!
~Blackbird
Alright, now that I have that out of my system...Seriously, though; I bought an entire outfit today for THREE DOLLARS. And it's not from the Dollar Store or Value Village either. It's from Ricki's. Oh yes, that's right. I bought a white t-shirt for a whopping 2.99$. So what did that leave me to purchase the skirt that I wanted, too? One penny. Yes, one whole cent is the amount I paid for the skirt. No joke either. The girl who was working the till nearly fell over when she saw it. It was pretty dang sweet, let me tell you.
Ooh, and I got a tip about a sweet, cushy government job today. So I applied, and they're going to call me about it tomorrow morning. I would get paid money to sit in front of a computer screen watching Alberta's intersections all day. And it's not small amounts of money, either. I'm pretty pumped about that one. The only deal with it is that I'd have to sign a three-month contract to work there, because I guess that they've had some issues keeping people on staff for the past little while. Oh well, though...I'm pretty sure I could do it. And at least I'd have something to do, instead of just sitting on my behind all day surfing the world wide webbernet. But yeah, that's my news for the day!
Ciao bellas!
~Blackbird
Sunday, 4 February 2007
Love is...well, love. It means many, many different things now; from your emotion toward the person you're destined to spend the rest of your life with, to a fleeting feeling toward that new pair of jeans you've had your eye on for a month. Love is such a fleeting emotion. From the bottom of your heart, deepest emotion you can feel, to nothing more than a passing flirtation to satisfy one's materialistic needs. Everyone wants love, right? But not everyone gets it. How fair is that to the rest of us? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to come across as the bitter single girl who mopes in the corner every Valentine's Day, but I'm trying to inject some reality into everyday life. If you didn't know it about me before now, I hate Valentine's Day. And it's not something that's going to change once/when/if I ever find true love.
Just like Vicky said: "my coffee cup said it"
The way I see it #162:
"The test in life is not how far we go,
but where we stand. Will we give in to
selfishness and fear, or seek for others
what we demand for ourselves: dignity
and an equal chance?"
--Robert Shrum
Political strategist
...and for the french geek in me...
Selon moi no. 162:
"La vraie mesure dans la vie n'est pas a
quel point on est 'alle loin,' mais bien
la ou l'on a choisi de se situer. Va-t-on
s'abandnner a l'egoisme et a la peur ou
chercher a obtenir pour les autres ce que
l'on exige pour soi-meme: la dignite et
l'egalite des chances?"
~Blackbird
ps-Thanks, Vicky, for reminding me that I'd found this.
At this point
I'm pretty sure that getting out of the house and just hanging with friends is the best therapy money can't buy...
Seriously, go try it.
~Blackbird
Seriously, go try it.
~Blackbird
Saturday, 3 February 2007
Thursday, 1 February 2007
ER, Grey's Anatomy and CSI...here I come!
Tonight is shaping up to be a great night after all.
With the sudden rush of words coming from my mind over the past 24 hours, I'll be glad to just turn off the world and my mind for a night and get back into touch with most of my favorite fictional TV characters. Woot for actually having a TV again!
~Blackbird
With the sudden rush of words coming from my mind over the past 24 hours, I'll be glad to just turn off the world and my mind for a night and get back into touch with most of my favorite fictional TV characters. Woot for actually having a TV again!
~Blackbird
Things that make me happy...
Ballet; my first love.
How can you not feel invincible when you're doing that? ^
Picking Julia's nose. mmm...
Kit, the tiniest, craziest kitten I've ever known.
And how he always thought that he deserved whatever we were eating...
Lindsey. Simple as that. Oh, and the gingerbread cookies we decorated together, fun times.
More fun with gingerbread...right Stephie? 
Chess.
Friends killing friends.
Making weird faces when my friends are taking pictures of me.
Mom's drunk co-workers at thier Christmas party.
The random 60-foot tall lamp in Cremona.
The Norwegian Fjord Horse that was eating my sleeve while I was taking pictures of him.
Grandma, when she smiles like that and I catch it in a picture!
My perch, the computer desk.
The day Marilee and I made Sail-Twister.
My friends.
Uh...so yeah...this is what I do all day. Enjoy.
I've recently been asked how I am able to still find humor in my current living situation...no real food in the house, not being able to leave for days on end and now, and most recently, being sick. Well, let me give you a glimpse into the mind of me (as scary as this might turn out to be). Please don't run screaming from your computer desks or couches (if you have a laptop), my mind isn't THAT scary that you need to react in quite that manor. Anyways, on with the 'glimpsing'...
Together, my mucus-filled sinus cavities and virus-infected body of mine sit here on our everlasting perch; the Computer Chair. At the moment I'm listening to a mix of music, including John Mayer, Ben Folds Five, the Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack, Underoath and Elton John. I'm pretty sure at this point, if I were still at camp, I would be begging someone for something to do with my time. My mom lies half-dead on the couch behind me; she even called-in sick to work today, she never does that. I'm not really taking care of her, so much as I'm making sure she's still alive randomly throughout the day. My butt hurts all the time now, I've gotten used to it after a week of doing nothing more than waking up and sitting on it all day. In the past three days, the only living (well, or dead) person I've contact with is my half-dead mother. I'm alright with it, though. It's just...well, ya know the saying 'going in over your head'...that's what this is; diving right back into the deep end of my old life. I have to take a bathroom break now; Mother Nature has this way of making me listen closely to her when I drink almost a full litre of Orange Juice in one day...
Okay, I'm back now. That was the first time I stood up in...well, since I woke up about four hours ago now (it's about 3pm now). Yikes, time flies when you do nothing all day. So, to update y'all on The Great Job Hunt, it's not going so hot these days. With my mother being my only way into town, (save walking, but I'll explain that detail in a minute) I haven't left the house in almost a week now. Now on to the walking aspect of things. I'm about 5 km from the nearest bus stop, and I would gladly walk it, but the path I would have to walk is on a highway and cross an exit and then also cross what I'm sure is one of the busiest intersections on this side of town, and I'm not even sure if it has one of those pedestrian things so the cars won't just drive over me like a speed bump. I don't keep a box of Kleenex beside me, because then I'd never get off my rump. I just ate a fleck of something off the desk…that was an unexpected surprise. It looked like chocolate, it had the texture of chocolate, I have a big ol' bar of dark chocolate on the desk next to me, but the darned thing tasted like paper. How disappointing. Oh well, "every silver lining has a black cloud," right Stephie? Ahh, I miss those guys like nothing else. Even Cort (that's right, I went there...). She's the one who always looked either busy or angry at me, but every once in a while would come out with a bunch of really witty, hilariously funny jokes or statements at random meals or whenever I saw her throughout the day. That's what I miss about that place, the camaraderie and the interactions with everyone who worked all those long days together. You never got away from them, and they were constantly in your business. I'd never had anyone care about why I was doing things before Jenni interrogated me about why I wasn't eating. It wasn't a new thing for me; I hardly ate lunch in grade 12...or grade 11, for that matter. I regularily skip meals, and it's never occurred to me before that someone else might care as to whether or not I eat. Speaking of food, or the lack thereof, in my house at the moment...it's microwave popcorn, Cup o' Soup (chicken noodle with those icky, floaty bits), ice cream, Stoned Wheat Thins, cereal (which I eat dry, because milk and my cold don't get along too well), Reduced Fat-Reduced Taste Pringles, and some things from the back of the freezer that I haven't seen in almost a year...or longer, I can't be sure anymore. Well, I'm off to explore the back of the freezer now, wish me luck. If I don't return, Steph and Een can fight over my music collection, because they're in desperate need of some good music to grace their long days living in the bush. (And 'cause my music is better anyways...)
Yikes, I wasn't aware that it was quite that bad. No joke there, either. I’m pretty sure that Ken would’ve had an aneurysm if he’d been here for that. I was at least hoping for a microwave dinner or something. Can you tell my mom doesn't like cooking? Microwave popcorn, microwave dinners, Cup o' Soup, etc...either that or she really, really wants to get cancer from all the radiation. Who knows? Anyways, since we have two freezers in the house, I figured I'd update you guys on just how bad that expedition actually was. Freezer #1 (the one attached to the fridge) contains what looks like noodles in a Ziploc baggie, a few pieces of cake from the cousin's wedding in August '06, some kind of Italian Sausage that really never appealed to me in the first place, frozen waffles (but no syrup anywhere to accompany them on their journey towards my stomach…not that I like waffles anyways), some cigarettes (?!...apparently it keeps them 'fresh'...?? Don't ask me!) and a frozen dinner that I'm positive moved into this house with us last March. Freezer #2 (the upright deepfreeze - it's about the size of a mini-fridge) contains a loaf of bread and a bag of frozen peas. That's it, that's all. Nothing edible remains in this house; I've eaten most of it in the past week. Anything left either looks like a science project on penicillin or something that even a scientist wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, let alone put it in the microwave, radiate it to a point of certain death and then eat it...
And as I've already said once or twice before, my mom's lying half-dead on the couch so she's not up to taking me out shopping. I asked already. She yelled. I said it wasn't for things, but for food so I don't wither away and die. She looked in the fridge and freezers and then went back to the couch to die a little more. She hasn't said a word to me since. I have to be honest here; the only thing I've eaten today in the ways of 'solid food' is some of my good ol' dark chocolate. I finished what was left of my 1.89 litres of Orange Juice a little while ago, while writing this. Yup, that's my intake of food so far today. I still have about 1/4 bag of microwaved-to-death popcorn, and more than half a thing of Reduced Fat, Reduced Taste Pringles keeping the computer and me company, though, if should get desperate later.
And people wonder why I talk to myself so much. I have no siblings to beat on, and when my mom goes to work in the morning (unless I get up at 7 and catch a ride into town with her...can we say ew?), she's the only person I see every day. She'll come home at around 6 if she doesn't already have plans or an appointment to keep, make herself dinner and then sit on the couch unmoving until she goes to bed. I'm left in the house like a caged animal every day, no exceptions. Because when mom gets home from work, the LAST thing on earth she wants to do is leave again to drive me into town. She's told me that, verbatim, before. So, here I sit. All day. I'm still wondering when that inevitable you've-stared-at-the-computer-screen-too-long-dummy headache will join my cold and me in our isolation. My mom doesn't even like having the blinds open, because the only time she's home it's dark and she doesn't want the neighbors seeing everything she's doing. It's not like she's doing anything illegal...she just likes her privacy.
Let's face it: I'm a prisoner in my own house. I think I may have opened the curtains yesterday, but the sun hurt my eyes too much, so I closed them. Oh well, I have Elton John and the Arrogant Worms to hold my hand while I travel this dark road of insanity. People wondered why moving home was the last thing I wanted to do, and why I thought moving to Calgary and starting afresh would be better for me than taking some 'time off' and 'saving money' while living at home for a little while. Well, after reading this glimpse into my own little world of my brain, y'all should have a pretty good idea as to why I am the way I am and why I think I shouldn't be here.
~Blackbird
ps- If there are any typos in this, I'm sorry, it's not my fault; I promise it isn't. This computer just hates me and doesn't want me to ever be happy again, so it'll freeze randomly ever few seconds and not catch everything I type, forcing me to wait for the computer to catch up to what I've typed and then delete everything that's gone wrong in those mere seconds. I'll write an entry and not edit it as I go so you see what I have to deal with....just because misery loves company, n'est-ce pas? Anyways, ciao!
*Edit - The reason that I can't leave the house isn't because it's too cold; it is most certainly not too cold to leave the house. I can't leave the house because, me being transportaionless and all, and my mom drives into town to work everyday. I don't live in town, much to my dismay. So I can't get into town easily. 'Tis all. Ciao!*
Together, my mucus-filled sinus cavities and virus-infected body of mine sit here on our everlasting perch; the Computer Chair. At the moment I'm listening to a mix of music, including John Mayer, Ben Folds Five, the Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack, Underoath and Elton John. I'm pretty sure at this point, if I were still at camp, I would be begging someone for something to do with my time. My mom lies half-dead on the couch behind me; she even called-in sick to work today, she never does that. I'm not really taking care of her, so much as I'm making sure she's still alive randomly throughout the day. My butt hurts all the time now, I've gotten used to it after a week of doing nothing more than waking up and sitting on it all day. In the past three days, the only living (well, or dead) person I've contact with is my half-dead mother. I'm alright with it, though. It's just...well, ya know the saying 'going in over your head'...that's what this is; diving right back into the deep end of my old life. I have to take a bathroom break now; Mother Nature has this way of making me listen closely to her when I drink almost a full litre of Orange Juice in one day...
Okay, I'm back now. That was the first time I stood up in...well, since I woke up about four hours ago now (it's about 3pm now). Yikes, time flies when you do nothing all day. So, to update y'all on The Great Job Hunt, it's not going so hot these days. With my mother being my only way into town, (save walking, but I'll explain that detail in a minute) I haven't left the house in almost a week now. Now on to the walking aspect of things. I'm about 5 km from the nearest bus stop, and I would gladly walk it, but the path I would have to walk is on a highway and cross an exit and then also cross what I'm sure is one of the busiest intersections on this side of town, and I'm not even sure if it has one of those pedestrian things so the cars won't just drive over me like a speed bump. I don't keep a box of Kleenex beside me, because then I'd never get off my rump. I just ate a fleck of something off the desk…that was an unexpected surprise. It looked like chocolate, it had the texture of chocolate, I have a big ol' bar of dark chocolate on the desk next to me, but the darned thing tasted like paper. How disappointing. Oh well, "every silver lining has a black cloud," right Stephie? Ahh, I miss those guys like nothing else. Even Cort (that's right, I went there...). She's the one who always looked either busy or angry at me, but every once in a while would come out with a bunch of really witty, hilariously funny jokes or statements at random meals or whenever I saw her throughout the day. That's what I miss about that place, the camaraderie and the interactions with everyone who worked all those long days together. You never got away from them, and they were constantly in your business. I'd never had anyone care about why I was doing things before Jenni interrogated me about why I wasn't eating. It wasn't a new thing for me; I hardly ate lunch in grade 12...or grade 11, for that matter. I regularily skip meals, and it's never occurred to me before that someone else might care as to whether or not I eat. Speaking of food, or the lack thereof, in my house at the moment...it's microwave popcorn, Cup o' Soup (chicken noodle with those icky, floaty bits), ice cream, Stoned Wheat Thins, cereal (which I eat dry, because milk and my cold don't get along too well), Reduced Fat-Reduced Taste Pringles, and some things from the back of the freezer that I haven't seen in almost a year...or longer, I can't be sure anymore. Well, I'm off to explore the back of the freezer now, wish me luck. If I don't return, Steph and Een can fight over my music collection, because they're in desperate need of some good music to grace their long days living in the bush. (And 'cause my music is better anyways...)
Yikes, I wasn't aware that it was quite that bad. No joke there, either. I’m pretty sure that Ken would’ve had an aneurysm if he’d been here for that. I was at least hoping for a microwave dinner or something. Can you tell my mom doesn't like cooking? Microwave popcorn, microwave dinners, Cup o' Soup, etc...either that or she really, really wants to get cancer from all the radiation. Who knows? Anyways, since we have two freezers in the house, I figured I'd update you guys on just how bad that expedition actually was. Freezer #1 (the one attached to the fridge) contains what looks like noodles in a Ziploc baggie, a few pieces of cake from the cousin's wedding in August '06, some kind of Italian Sausage that really never appealed to me in the first place, frozen waffles (but no syrup anywhere to accompany them on their journey towards my stomach…not that I like waffles anyways), some cigarettes (?!...apparently it keeps them 'fresh'...?? Don't ask me!) and a frozen dinner that I'm positive moved into this house with us last March. Freezer #2 (the upright deepfreeze - it's about the size of a mini-fridge) contains a loaf of bread and a bag of frozen peas. That's it, that's all. Nothing edible remains in this house; I've eaten most of it in the past week. Anything left either looks like a science project on penicillin or something that even a scientist wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, let alone put it in the microwave, radiate it to a point of certain death and then eat it...
And as I've already said once or twice before, my mom's lying half-dead on the couch so she's not up to taking me out shopping. I asked already. She yelled. I said it wasn't for things, but for food so I don't wither away and die. She looked in the fridge and freezers and then went back to the couch to die a little more. She hasn't said a word to me since. I have to be honest here; the only thing I've eaten today in the ways of 'solid food' is some of my good ol' dark chocolate. I finished what was left of my 1.89 litres of Orange Juice a little while ago, while writing this. Yup, that's my intake of food so far today. I still have about 1/4 bag of microwaved-to-death popcorn, and more than half a thing of Reduced Fat, Reduced Taste Pringles keeping the computer and me company, though, if should get desperate later.
And people wonder why I talk to myself so much. I have no siblings to beat on, and when my mom goes to work in the morning (unless I get up at 7 and catch a ride into town with her...can we say ew?), she's the only person I see every day. She'll come home at around 6 if she doesn't already have plans or an appointment to keep, make herself dinner and then sit on the couch unmoving until she goes to bed. I'm left in the house like a caged animal every day, no exceptions. Because when mom gets home from work, the LAST thing on earth she wants to do is leave again to drive me into town. She's told me that, verbatim, before. So, here I sit. All day. I'm still wondering when that inevitable you've-stared-at-the-computer-screen-too-long-dummy headache will join my cold and me in our isolation. My mom doesn't even like having the blinds open, because the only time she's home it's dark and she doesn't want the neighbors seeing everything she's doing. It's not like she's doing anything illegal...she just likes her privacy.
Let's face it: I'm a prisoner in my own house. I think I may have opened the curtains yesterday, but the sun hurt my eyes too much, so I closed them. Oh well, I have Elton John and the Arrogant Worms to hold my hand while I travel this dark road of insanity. People wondered why moving home was the last thing I wanted to do, and why I thought moving to Calgary and starting afresh would be better for me than taking some 'time off' and 'saving money' while living at home for a little while. Well, after reading this glimpse into my own little world of my brain, y'all should have a pretty good idea as to why I am the way I am and why I think I shouldn't be here.
~Blackbird
ps- If there are any typos in this, I'm sorry, it's not my fault; I promise it isn't. This computer just hates me and doesn't want me to ever be happy again, so it'll freeze randomly ever few seconds and not catch everything I type, forcing me to wait for the computer to catch up to what I've typed and then delete everything that's gone wrong in those mere seconds. I'll write an entry and not edit it as I go so you see what I have to deal with....just because misery loves company, n'est-ce pas? Anyways, ciao!
*Edit - The reason that I can't leave the house isn't because it's too cold; it is most certainly not too cold to leave the house. I can't leave the house because, me being transportaionless and all, and my mom drives into town to work everyday. I don't live in town, much to my dismay. So I can't get into town easily. 'Tis all. Ciao!*
*break the silence*
I've left my life behind me and I'm moving forward. I know I may be an idiot for it, but I still did it knowing all the consequences and repercussions that I would have to face. As it stands right now, I'm just an idiot for doing it. Does it sound like I really care, though? Didn't think so.
I've left my life behind me and I'm moving forward. Life has this stupid way of continuing right on without you if you somehow fall off the train somewhere along the line. No matter how much you beg and plead with it, it doesn't listen to you. It doesn't even care about you. As hard as it may be, you have to learn that lesson at some point in your short, insignificant life.
I've left my life behind me and I'm moving forward. I honestly didn't know what leaving the majority of my life behind me would feel like or how it would affect the people I know (past, present and future) and leaving everything I'd ever learned, everything I'd ever loved and everything I'd ever known, behind me. I'll admit it was hard. Even harder now that I have to face the people I've known my whole life after I made up my mind and am no longer looking back at what used to be.
Sure, I'd love to rewind fourteen (almost fifteen) years of my life and stop myself from making that first decision that would tell my family that I wouldn't stand in their way when they began to dictate to me about how I was to live my life. To be blunt I'll admit that it was baptism. My first baptism was the day I willingly decided to give the reigns of my life over to my dysfunctional family. You could say, "You were four, you didn't actually know what you were doing. No one knows what kind of decisions they make or how those decisions will affect their lives when they're four years old. For goodness sake, when you're four, the most important thing in the world is YOU." But you would be wrong.
Anyone who knew me prior to three weeks ago would be wrong if they tried to guess who I was inside judging me by how I acted and spoke. Hell, I didn't even know who I really was until a couple weeks ago. The whole time I spent at camp was a painful time of self-discovery and evaluation of the life I’d been taught was right. I was angry with myself for letting my family do what they were doing for so long. I was angry with myself for living that lie for so long. I’m still angry with myself for not catching it sooner.
Just like I told one of the people I trusted to see the real me through these past few months, just because I say something/sing something/act a certain way doesn’t mean that I mean it. I’ve come to learn that I’m a skilled actress; after all, I spent fifteen years of my life living a lie and wearing a mask and a plastic smile to everyone I’d ever known.
I did all the ‘right’ things a Christian should do, I prayed in His name and I was baptized (not once, but twice), but did I ever once feel God’s presence around me? I went to church every Sunday, grew up in Sunday School, later taught Sunday School and sang on a Worship Team, but was I ever given the opportunity to fully express myself the way I wanted to? I went to all the church functions, attended several prayer meetings, worked many Fundraisers, and eventually led a Fundraiser, but did any of this make me a better person in Christ? I respected my body as God told us to, never let anyone take advantage of or even touch me and even got into the habit of praying constantly (I still catch myself mid-sentence all the time), but did any of that show others Jesus’ love? The answer to all of these questions is a resounding no. Many of the aforementioned things, in fact, inhibited me from even forming relationships with others because the thought ‘what would the church think of me?’ was always in the back of my head. It was all about the church. The church that silently dictated to me my whole life, ended up ruining my life entirely. I was and still am caught up in what others think of me. Go ahead and tell me it’s wrong, but I’m still going to be this way. It’s the way I’ve always been. I am silently a very vain and obsessive person. I have always cared what others think of me, and I will always care what others think of me; that’s not going to change. Ever. I know it, and I’m also okay with it. It’s not such a crippling fear anymore, so much as just a passing thought. I’m not going to stop those thoughts from entering my mind, it’s not about that; they’re there and they’re never leaving. I’m not going to let my thoughts of what others think of me dictate to me how I’m going to live my life either, I’m just going to let them be and leave them at that.
A friend of mine, when told that I didn’t know what was going to happen to me if I gave up on God, said ‘that tells me that you really do believe all this and that you do actually believe in God.’ Well, what I have to say to that is simple: Every time you’ve made a major change in your life, you’ve always had one constant. I don’t care what that constant was, whether it was family, friends or God, it was always there. You’re lucky if you’ve never gone through such a change that you feel as if your whole life has been turned upside down. What I meant when I said that was “I don’t know what I’m supposed to believe anymore. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to keep my church friends or shun them altogether. I don’t know what’s going to help me make important decisions anymore. When I finally tell my friends what’s going on in my head, will they shun me or will I willingly shun them by telling them all this? Am I just supposed to turn my back on everything I’ve ever known to be true or embrace it as childhood ignorance? Now I have to re-learn how to think, speak and live? I’m not so sure I want to do this anymore; maybe choosing God, the ‘right’ choice to make, is the easiest thing to do now. Maybe I just want to live this blissful ignorance to the fullest. Maybe I want to keep wearing this mask for a little while longer. I don’t know if I’m strong enough without God to do all this. Has God ever actually been there for me or has it been just me all along? I’m not used to making decisions on my own, will it get easier as time goes on or will it always be this hard? What on earth am I doing?”
I understand that’s a lot to swallow in one breath and I realize at this point that even though that’s what I wanted/meant to say to her that night, I didn’t. I also didn’t expect her to get all that from one simple phrase, either. I was just tripping all over my words and thoughts so much that night that I couldn’t even form a coherent thought or sentence anymore. I still struggle with it, although it is quite a bit easier now then it was back in November.
I’m not sure what sparked this entry or why I’m still writing it, but I do know one thing now; I’m not writing anything for anyone other than me now. I used to write for the comments. I used to write to see (subconsciously) what kind of attention I would get from certain entries. I used to write to see how my friends would react to some things and situations.
Actually, I can’t lie; I know what sparked this entry. My gut told me to open my blog and I actually listened to it and obeyed this time. I’m learning to listen to my gut, no matter how hard it might be, it’s always right. I learned that the hard way. Most recently through making a decision about taking a trip, only to find out that another friend had something else planned for us over those two days that I had been gone. I’m pretty sure that she’s forgiven me for disappointing her that day by now, but it will always remain in my mind the day I learned to listen to my gut instead of those around me, because life always has something better for you than you’d ever expect.
If you’ve actually read this entire beast of an entry, kudos to you because even I wouldn’t read something this long on a computer screen. Thanks for sticking with me through this whole ordeal everyone; you’ve proven yourselves to me time and time again.
~Blackbird
ps- Hey Jenni, there's my 'free-writing' for the week...enjoy!
I've left my life behind me and I'm moving forward. Life has this stupid way of continuing right on without you if you somehow fall off the train somewhere along the line. No matter how much you beg and plead with it, it doesn't listen to you. It doesn't even care about you. As hard as it may be, you have to learn that lesson at some point in your short, insignificant life.
I've left my life behind me and I'm moving forward. I honestly didn't know what leaving the majority of my life behind me would feel like or how it would affect the people I know (past, present and future) and leaving everything I'd ever learned, everything I'd ever loved and everything I'd ever known, behind me. I'll admit it was hard. Even harder now that I have to face the people I've known my whole life after I made up my mind and am no longer looking back at what used to be.
Sure, I'd love to rewind fourteen (almost fifteen) years of my life and stop myself from making that first decision that would tell my family that I wouldn't stand in their way when they began to dictate to me about how I was to live my life. To be blunt I'll admit that it was baptism. My first baptism was the day I willingly decided to give the reigns of my life over to my dysfunctional family. You could say, "You were four, you didn't actually know what you were doing. No one knows what kind of decisions they make or how those decisions will affect their lives when they're four years old. For goodness sake, when you're four, the most important thing in the world is YOU." But you would be wrong.
Anyone who knew me prior to three weeks ago would be wrong if they tried to guess who I was inside judging me by how I acted and spoke. Hell, I didn't even know who I really was until a couple weeks ago. The whole time I spent at camp was a painful time of self-discovery and evaluation of the life I’d been taught was right. I was angry with myself for letting my family do what they were doing for so long. I was angry with myself for living that lie for so long. I’m still angry with myself for not catching it sooner.
Just like I told one of the people I trusted to see the real me through these past few months, just because I say something/sing something/act a certain way doesn’t mean that I mean it. I’ve come to learn that I’m a skilled actress; after all, I spent fifteen years of my life living a lie and wearing a mask and a plastic smile to everyone I’d ever known.
I did all the ‘right’ things a Christian should do, I prayed in His name and I was baptized (not once, but twice), but did I ever once feel God’s presence around me? I went to church every Sunday, grew up in Sunday School, later taught Sunday School and sang on a Worship Team, but was I ever given the opportunity to fully express myself the way I wanted to? I went to all the church functions, attended several prayer meetings, worked many Fundraisers, and eventually led a Fundraiser, but did any of this make me a better person in Christ? I respected my body as God told us to, never let anyone take advantage of or even touch me and even got into the habit of praying constantly (I still catch myself mid-sentence all the time), but did any of that show others Jesus’ love? The answer to all of these questions is a resounding no. Many of the aforementioned things, in fact, inhibited me from even forming relationships with others because the thought ‘what would the church think of me?’ was always in the back of my head. It was all about the church. The church that silently dictated to me my whole life, ended up ruining my life entirely. I was and still am caught up in what others think of me. Go ahead and tell me it’s wrong, but I’m still going to be this way. It’s the way I’ve always been. I am silently a very vain and obsessive person. I have always cared what others think of me, and I will always care what others think of me; that’s not going to change. Ever. I know it, and I’m also okay with it. It’s not such a crippling fear anymore, so much as just a passing thought. I’m not going to stop those thoughts from entering my mind, it’s not about that; they’re there and they’re never leaving. I’m not going to let my thoughts of what others think of me dictate to me how I’m going to live my life either, I’m just going to let them be and leave them at that.
A friend of mine, when told that I didn’t know what was going to happen to me if I gave up on God, said ‘that tells me that you really do believe all this and that you do actually believe in God.’ Well, what I have to say to that is simple: Every time you’ve made a major change in your life, you’ve always had one constant. I don’t care what that constant was, whether it was family, friends or God, it was always there. You’re lucky if you’ve never gone through such a change that you feel as if your whole life has been turned upside down. What I meant when I said that was “I don’t know what I’m supposed to believe anymore. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to keep my church friends or shun them altogether. I don’t know what’s going to help me make important decisions anymore. When I finally tell my friends what’s going on in my head, will they shun me or will I willingly shun them by telling them all this? Am I just supposed to turn my back on everything I’ve ever known to be true or embrace it as childhood ignorance? Now I have to re-learn how to think, speak and live? I’m not so sure I want to do this anymore; maybe choosing God, the ‘right’ choice to make, is the easiest thing to do now. Maybe I just want to live this blissful ignorance to the fullest. Maybe I want to keep wearing this mask for a little while longer. I don’t know if I’m strong enough without God to do all this. Has God ever actually been there for me or has it been just me all along? I’m not used to making decisions on my own, will it get easier as time goes on or will it always be this hard? What on earth am I doing?”
I understand that’s a lot to swallow in one breath and I realize at this point that even though that’s what I wanted/meant to say to her that night, I didn’t. I also didn’t expect her to get all that from one simple phrase, either. I was just tripping all over my words and thoughts so much that night that I couldn’t even form a coherent thought or sentence anymore. I still struggle with it, although it is quite a bit easier now then it was back in November.
I’m not sure what sparked this entry or why I’m still writing it, but I do know one thing now; I’m not writing anything for anyone other than me now. I used to write for the comments. I used to write to see (subconsciously) what kind of attention I would get from certain entries. I used to write to see how my friends would react to some things and situations.
Actually, I can’t lie; I know what sparked this entry. My gut told me to open my blog and I actually listened to it and obeyed this time. I’m learning to listen to my gut, no matter how hard it might be, it’s always right. I learned that the hard way. Most recently through making a decision about taking a trip, only to find out that another friend had something else planned for us over those two days that I had been gone. I’m pretty sure that she’s forgiven me for disappointing her that day by now, but it will always remain in my mind the day I learned to listen to my gut instead of those around me, because life always has something better for you than you’d ever expect.
If you’ve actually read this entire beast of an entry, kudos to you because even I wouldn’t read something this long on a computer screen. Thanks for sticking with me through this whole ordeal everyone; you’ve proven yourselves to me time and time again.
~Blackbird
ps- Hey Jenni, there's my 'free-writing' for the week...enjoy!
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