First off, those of you who know the story will know that the title of this post is not a spelling error.
Second, I'm quickly learning that nail polish is soooooo not worth it. I just spent the past 25 minutes "doing my nails," which consisted of me spilling the nail polish on my tablecloth, cleaning it up, painting my nails once entirely, deciding they weren't pretty enough, taking the polish off, putting on a base coat, painting 8 nails, spilling the (dark purple) polish on the beige carpet in the dining room (why oh why didn't I just do this in the bathroom?!), using countless cotton balls and half a bottle of nail polish remover to try my best to get it out of the carpet, thus ruining my 8 painted nails in the process, then deciding that it wasn't worth it, and taking all the polish off, once and for all. So not worth it.
So, Christmas. It snuck up on me yet again, and this year has thrown a couple new rocks at me in the process: I'm going home for 1.85 days total, and am making the 4 hour trip with my ex. Such is my life.
[Update on the nail polish situation: my cuticles were still all purple from the two failed previous attempts, so I decided that I was going to make my nails purple if it was going to kill me. So I did! I'm happy to announce that I have now successfully painted my nails for the first time in a year!]
Onwards to the more confusing parts of my life. Work has been challenging at the best of times recently. I was told today that the food I produce 'looks like shit.' I'm trying my best to believe he wasn't being serious, but it's extremely difficult to not internalize a statement like that, especially when I've been having such a rough go at it lately. This is a job I've had for two and a half years now, and the guy who's been there for a few months (but who has his Seal already, which is important) feels confident enough in his position to tell me something like that, then promptly kick me off the line (where all the food is cooked in a commercial kitchen) is mind boggling. The fact that he got away with it left me speechless for a couple hours. Literally. I stood in the back hall (the farthest point away from line that's still in the kitchen), and peeled masking tape labels off about 50-some-odd lids for the 16L pails we use. No one even noticed I was there, unless I was in their way, which made the internalizing process that much more damaging. While standing there thinking 'This is the best use of your skills from being here for two and a half years? Really? This is a joke.'
During my time in my back hall exile, came to a conclusion and made a resolution about my life. I'll share the conclusion, but not the resolution (for personal reasons). I've said it before, and I've known for some time (but without acknowledging) that I honestly and truly believe that I am not meant to be happy. I'm also fairly certain that I'll be single for a large part of my life. And seeing so many couples appearing in the most unlikely people, hearing about so many engagements/pregnancies/births etc... is getting really old, really fast.
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I guess I should go pack now. Peace, all.
Second, I'm quickly learning that nail polish is soooooo not worth it. I just spent the past 25 minutes "doing my nails," which consisted of me spilling the nail polish on my tablecloth, cleaning it up, painting my nails once entirely, deciding they weren't pretty enough, taking the polish off, putting on a base coat, painting 8 nails, spilling the (dark purple) polish on the beige carpet in the dining room (why oh why didn't I just do this in the bathroom?!), using countless cotton balls and half a bottle of nail polish remover to try my best to get it out of the carpet, thus ruining my 8 painted nails in the process, then deciding that it wasn't worth it, and taking all the polish off, once and for all. So not worth it.
So, Christmas. It snuck up on me yet again, and this year has thrown a couple new rocks at me in the process: I'm going home for 1.85 days total, and am making the 4 hour trip with my ex. Such is my life.
[Update on the nail polish situation: my cuticles were still all purple from the two failed previous attempts, so I decided that I was going to make my nails purple if it was going to kill me. So I did! I'm happy to announce that I have now successfully painted my nails for the first time in a year!]
Onwards to the more confusing parts of my life. Work has been challenging at the best of times recently. I was told today that the food I produce 'looks like shit.' I'm trying my best to believe he wasn't being serious, but it's extremely difficult to not internalize a statement like that, especially when I've been having such a rough go at it lately. This is a job I've had for two and a half years now, and the guy who's been there for a few months (but who has his Seal already, which is important) feels confident enough in his position to tell me something like that, then promptly kick me off the line (where all the food is cooked in a commercial kitchen) is mind boggling. The fact that he got away with it left me speechless for a couple hours. Literally. I stood in the back hall (the farthest point away from line that's still in the kitchen), and peeled masking tape labels off about 50-some-odd lids for the 16L pails we use. No one even noticed I was there, unless I was in their way, which made the internalizing process that much more damaging. While standing there thinking 'This is the best use of your skills from being here for two and a half years? Really? This is a joke.'
During my time in my back hall exile, came to a conclusion and made a resolution about my life. I'll share the conclusion, but not the resolution (for personal reasons). I've said it before, and I've known for some time (but without acknowledging) that I honestly and truly believe that I am not meant to be happy. I'm also fairly certain that I'll be single for a large part of my life. And seeing so many couples appearing in the most unlikely people, hearing about so many engagements/pregnancies/births etc... is getting really old, really fast.
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I guess I should go pack now. Peace, all.
-L
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