I'm all alone at home right now. This is rare. Nice, but rare. I miss this; really, I do.
Away from the sun again...
Lethbridge is cold. Very cold. Bri, I love you.
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done?
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am?
Don't worry, I won't do anything I'll regret.
I'm just confused.
Perplexed.
Angered.
Thought-provoked.
Frustrated.
Anyone care to add another?
School is harder than I'd anticipated.
'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again
I lovelovelove this song. So good.
I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here?
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know
I miss listening to jazz all the time. I miss listening to opera, too.
I want to go to the Bedouin Soundclash concert next week more than anything.
It's the second of their concerts I'll miss in one semester.
Dang.
And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
I want to sing. More than anything. I want to sing again. Like I used to.
I want my abs to stop hurting. I want to stop coughing horrendously every time I inhale or speak.
"There's one thing about pain."
"What's that Master Chief?"
"It lets you know you're not dead yet."
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done
Bri's heart is in Quebec.
Mine is Kenya. Or Uganda. Or Sierra Leone. I just haven't found it yet. I hope I find it soon.
I'll go crazy if I go without it for much longer.
And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
I want the sun. I want that life.
'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
I'll get it one day. I know it. I'll be there. And I'll be happier than ever before.
I'll get there somehow. I'm not sure yet how that'll come about.
But it'll happen.
Oh no...
Count on it.
Yeah...
I'm going to find my heart.
I'm gone...
Friday, 30 November 2007
Sunday, 25 November 2007
is someone getting the [best] of you?
Oh. My. Good. God. What a weekend. Much too much happened for me to say anything in detail, but the highlights are as follows:
1- I've never seen Aileen that drunk before. Ever. And I never want to see it again. Ever. (Hot 100+my house=bad. very, very bad.)
2-I've never been to the bar at 9.30. That was a first.
3-I've never seen that many people cry in one night. Aileen. Steph. Kevin. Kim. One is too many. This was stupid.
4-I learned that emotional drinking is bad. For everyone involved, drunk or not. (I was not.)
5-Things might be happening between Steph and Kevin, and I'm not sure I'm going to like how it's going to pan out.
6-Kevin works at my school. I still have to see him and his sad face every day. Think of me. Please.
7-Alyssa and her best friend Kim got in a fight over Alyssa's boyfriend-type guy, Jason. I had to hear about it from drunken Kim and semi-sober Alyssa more than once in the space of a few hours. And all the updates, too. From each of them.
8-Steph has never hit me before. Or yelled at me in anger. Before last night, that is. Simultaneously, I've never been told by a friend that they "just don't fucking care anymore." About me, the noise she was making, the neighbors, Kevin, life et cetera...
9-I've never wanted to bail so much as I did after I got a heads up from one of the bouncers that I know from the bar we were at last night that Aileen was thisclose to being kicked out for being too drunk. At 10.30.
10-I've never wanted my life in Red Deer as much as I did last night around 10.30.
11-I learned I hate wearing my heart on my face. It makes the fact that I'm a good liar even harder for me to swallow.
12-I learned that the key to my getting my boss to listen to you is to either be a real-life Barbie or to have a penis. I am not a real-life Barbie and I do not have a penis. What does this get me? Ignored. Woot woot, go me. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
Lucky 13-I found out tonight that I have to work with Eric for three of my four shifts next week. I should've taken the weekend off. Really.
14-I found out tonight that one of my best friends from high school got engaged. Last week. She sent out a mass e-mail. I didn't get it. I'm not sure how exactly to take this piece of information. She promised me not 2 months ago that I'd be one of the first to know when she had the ring. Accident or intention? It's going to kill to find out either way. If it wasn't for a conversation on msn I had tonight, I wouldn't have found out until the middle of December when I go home. A month after it happened. No words.
15-I've never been so hurt in one weekend by so many people. One weekend. Fuck.
Not impressed with this weekend. At all.
I want my life back in Red Deer so bad, you have no idea.
All I can do right now is breathe. Just breathe.
I want to smash something right now. Preferably something owned by Queen Bitch. Something valuable.
Do you know what I want? I want to move in to the basement. Alone. Not with Steph. I want to be happy. I want to be closer with Courtney. Yes, the scary one. And the one in Whitecourt. I want to not live in this hell-hole anymore. I want Aileen to stop threatening my damage deposit. I want to keep my cat. I want Aileen to stop threatening to kill my cat. I want Aileen to stop threatening to get rid of my cat. I want Steph and Aileen to get a grip on reality. I want them to stop being so defensive. I want them to not get mad at me for saying my opinion. I want to not cry. I want to move out. I want school to work the way I want it to. I want to pass Sociology (I need an 80% or above on the final to do so). I just want to cry, but I dislike crying almost more than I dislike being anywhere close to drunk.
Why can't I just cry and move on with things? Because Lacey, every time you think the shit is done being hucked at you, a fresh, steaming pile is discovered and a new shovel is taken out.
I just want to cry and be held by someone who actually loves me. Why is that so hard?
1- I've never seen Aileen that drunk before. Ever. And I never want to see it again. Ever. (Hot 100+my house=bad. very, very bad.)
2-I've never been to the bar at 9.30. That was a first.
3-I've never seen that many people cry in one night. Aileen. Steph. Kevin. Kim. One is too many. This was stupid.
4-I learned that emotional drinking is bad. For everyone involved, drunk or not. (I was not.)
5-Things might be happening between Steph and Kevin, and I'm not sure I'm going to like how it's going to pan out.
6-Kevin works at my school. I still have to see him and his sad face every day. Think of me. Please.
7-Alyssa and her best friend Kim got in a fight over Alyssa's boyfriend-type guy, Jason. I had to hear about it from drunken Kim and semi-sober Alyssa more than once in the space of a few hours. And all the updates, too. From each of them.
8-Steph has never hit me before. Or yelled at me in anger. Before last night, that is. Simultaneously, I've never been told by a friend that they "just don't fucking care anymore." About me, the noise she was making, the neighbors, Kevin, life et cetera...
9-I've never wanted to bail so much as I did after I got a heads up from one of the bouncers that I know from the bar we were at last night that Aileen was thisclose to being kicked out for being too drunk. At 10.30.
10-I've never wanted my life in Red Deer as much as I did last night around 10.30.
11-I learned I hate wearing my heart on my face. It makes the fact that I'm a good liar even harder for me to swallow.
12-I learned that the key to my getting my boss to listen to you is to either be a real-life Barbie or to have a penis. I am not a real-life Barbie and I do not have a penis. What does this get me? Ignored. Woot woot, go me. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
Lucky 13-I found out tonight that I have to work with Eric for three of my four shifts next week. I should've taken the weekend off. Really.
14-I found out tonight that one of my best friends from high school got engaged. Last week. She sent out a mass e-mail. I didn't get it. I'm not sure how exactly to take this piece of information. She promised me not 2 months ago that I'd be one of the first to know when she had the ring. Accident or intention? It's going to kill to find out either way. If it wasn't for a conversation on msn I had tonight, I wouldn't have found out until the middle of December when I go home. A month after it happened. No words.
15-I've never been so hurt in one weekend by so many people. One weekend. Fuck.
Not impressed with this weekend. At all.
I want my life back in Red Deer so bad, you have no idea.
All I can do right now is breathe. Just breathe.
I want to smash something right now. Preferably something owned by Queen Bitch. Something valuable.
Do you know what I want? I want to move in to the basement. Alone. Not with Steph. I want to be happy. I want to be closer with Courtney. Yes, the scary one. And the one in Whitecourt. I want to not live in this hell-hole anymore. I want Aileen to stop threatening my damage deposit. I want to keep my cat. I want Aileen to stop threatening to kill my cat. I want Aileen to stop threatening to get rid of my cat. I want Steph and Aileen to get a grip on reality. I want them to stop being so defensive. I want them to not get mad at me for saying my opinion. I want to not cry. I want to move out. I want school to work the way I want it to. I want to pass Sociology (I need an 80% or above on the final to do so). I just want to cry, but I dislike crying almost more than I dislike being anywhere close to drunk.
Why can't I just cry and move on with things? Because Lacey, every time you think the shit is done being hucked at you, a fresh, steaming pile is discovered and a new shovel is taken out.
I just want to cry and be held by someone who actually loves me. Why is that so hard?
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
[s]he's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
I'm in total agreeance with Bri on this one: boys suck. Last night just proved my point perfectly.
More to come. Must go plan life now...
Oh! And, OneRepublic is the greatest band that has ever existed. And I have some pretty damned high standards, too. My reasoning: They sound better live than they do in recording. Must be something good.
More to come. Must go plan life now...
Oh! And, OneRepublic is the greatest band that has ever existed. And I have some pretty damned high standards, too. My reasoning: They sound better live than they do in recording. Must be something good.
Thursday, 8 November 2007
[bound.] and determined.
You know that feeling you get when you feel something really special for the first time? The butterflies...or whatever you should call them. You know? Well, they suck and that's all I have to say about 'em.
You know how you always want what you can't have? The whole "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" thing? Well, grass sucks. Greener or not. You know why? 'Cause it's all dead now. Winter aproaches and I die a little inside every time it comes. My hair gets frizzy and my mood drops about as quickly as the mercury in the thermometer some days. I'm sorry if I bitch anyone out in the next little while, but pressure's up and tolerance is down. Mid-term-season-number-two is upon us. I'm sad to say that I dropped a class today, too. It was just too much work to keep up with. And now, because of this, I'm forced to take five classes next semester. Suicide anyone? I can barely keep up with what I have now, and I want two more? I'm nuts. Nucking futs. Fucking nuts.
Life is much the same way. One day it's beautiful and everything is looking good, and then the next day, nothing can snap you out of that interminable funk that's swallowed you whole. Speaking of suicide, I learned tonight that the one girl I've always wanted to be (beautiful ballerina is what automatically comes to mind when I think or hear the name Leah because of her) is in the hospital and there's something wrong with her heart. We're not close, let me get that much out. But that doesn't change the fact that I've always wanted to be like her. And then I found out she was bulimic. And in a special treatment centre in Arizona because of it. She was my age at the time. 19 and dying. 19 and killing herself and not knowing it. 19 and stupid. That was a couple of years ago now. I saw her at church shortly after she came back from that place in the desert, and she looked stunning. I'm not even joking. She was just as beautiful as I'd always remembered her, sitting in the audience watching her dance around on her toes. It took all of my consciousness to make myself believe the truth: that she was only two and a half years older than I. People might've seen her as sickly and wasting away at the time, but at the time, we had something in common. Only hers was a lttle more obvious than mine. A little more serious. A little more taboo. No one looks twice when a fat kid loses a whole bunch of weight, but when a skinny ballerina loses even a few pounds, she has an eating disorder. Disorder. How I loathe that term. Especially now.
Well, beautiful ballerina Leah eventually got better and was sent home. She was well enough that her parents and councellor decided that it was a good idea for Leah to get her own appartment and live life on her own terms. And now everyone knows that in those terms, she broke a promise to her parents and to her future. Leah's terms included Bulimia. Again. Damn her to health.
So her parents found out about her terms and I'm guessing they made her move back home, even though they were in the same city the whole time. And in the past few days, beautiful ballerina Leah has collapsed. Probably due to a weak heart. Due to Bulimia. And doctors don't know how long she's going to last. She's 21. And dying. Damn her to health.
And then I found out that one of my best friends from grades 3 through 5 is dying, too. This one from cancer. She's 19, just like me. Maybe 20, but still. Damn her to health, too. The last I heard about Janna, she was moving to Vancouver to get adequate training to swim in the 2010 Olympics. That was grade 5, when she left me. And now she's dying. Can I die too?
I've tried, but I was thwarted every time. The knife. The pills. The knife again. And I'm thankful for it now. Until I hear things like this. Friends are dying. Life is hitting them with the baseball bat of reality. I hate them for not being healthy. And I'm amost certain that my feelings are completely natural at this point, so I'm totally comfortable sharing them with whoever might read this.
Here's my beef. When a fat kid loses weight, everyone congratulates them and tells them how good they look. No one asks about how it happened. At least, no one asked me. And when said weight-loss is governed by unhealthy terms, no one finds out about it because they're all hung up on how good the victim looks. Why didn't they ask? Why don't you ask?
DAMN YOU ALL. I just don't care anymore. How's that for ya?
As I re-read that last paragraph, my eyes were drawn to the advertisements on the far right of the page. "10 Rules of Fat Burning - Lose 9 lbs every 11 days with these 10 easy rules of diet & fat loss." Fuck you, too. Why must you curse me once, leave for what I thought was going to be forever, and now kick me in the ass yet again? I don't care who thinks I'm wrong anymore. I'm done with society. Sure, I'll still wake up, go to school, go to work, and maybe sleep if I have the time, just as I did before, but this time it's all me. I'll still be the friend I was before, don't worry. Some things never change, and that's one of them.
Can't I just starve this sickness out of me?
You know how you always want what you can't have? The whole "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" thing? Well, grass sucks. Greener or not. You know why? 'Cause it's all dead now. Winter aproaches and I die a little inside every time it comes. My hair gets frizzy and my mood drops about as quickly as the mercury in the thermometer some days. I'm sorry if I bitch anyone out in the next little while, but pressure's up and tolerance is down. Mid-term-season-number-two is upon us. I'm sad to say that I dropped a class today, too. It was just too much work to keep up with. And now, because of this, I'm forced to take five classes next semester. Suicide anyone? I can barely keep up with what I have now, and I want two more? I'm nuts. Nucking futs. Fucking nuts.
Life is much the same way. One day it's beautiful and everything is looking good, and then the next day, nothing can snap you out of that interminable funk that's swallowed you whole. Speaking of suicide, I learned tonight that the one girl I've always wanted to be (beautiful ballerina is what automatically comes to mind when I think or hear the name Leah because of her) is in the hospital and there's something wrong with her heart. We're not close, let me get that much out. But that doesn't change the fact that I've always wanted to be like her. And then I found out she was bulimic. And in a special treatment centre in Arizona because of it. She was my age at the time. 19 and dying. 19 and killing herself and not knowing it. 19 and stupid. That was a couple of years ago now. I saw her at church shortly after she came back from that place in the desert, and she looked stunning. I'm not even joking. She was just as beautiful as I'd always remembered her, sitting in the audience watching her dance around on her toes. It took all of my consciousness to make myself believe the truth: that she was only two and a half years older than I. People might've seen her as sickly and wasting away at the time, but at the time, we had something in common. Only hers was a lttle more obvious than mine. A little more serious. A little more taboo. No one looks twice when a fat kid loses a whole bunch of weight, but when a skinny ballerina loses even a few pounds, she has an eating disorder. Disorder. How I loathe that term. Especially now.
Well, beautiful ballerina Leah eventually got better and was sent home. She was well enough that her parents and councellor decided that it was a good idea for Leah to get her own appartment and live life on her own terms. And now everyone knows that in those terms, she broke a promise to her parents and to her future. Leah's terms included Bulimia. Again. Damn her to health.
So her parents found out about her terms and I'm guessing they made her move back home, even though they were in the same city the whole time. And in the past few days, beautiful ballerina Leah has collapsed. Probably due to a weak heart. Due to Bulimia. And doctors don't know how long she's going to last. She's 21. And dying. Damn her to health.
And then I found out that one of my best friends from grades 3 through 5 is dying, too. This one from cancer. She's 19, just like me. Maybe 20, but still. Damn her to health, too. The last I heard about Janna, she was moving to Vancouver to get adequate training to swim in the 2010 Olympics. That was grade 5, when she left me. And now she's dying. Can I die too?
I've tried, but I was thwarted every time. The knife. The pills. The knife again. And I'm thankful for it now. Until I hear things like this. Friends are dying. Life is hitting them with the baseball bat of reality. I hate them for not being healthy. And I'm amost certain that my feelings are completely natural at this point, so I'm totally comfortable sharing them with whoever might read this.
Here's my beef. When a fat kid loses weight, everyone congratulates them and tells them how good they look. No one asks about how it happened. At least, no one asked me. And when said weight-loss is governed by unhealthy terms, no one finds out about it because they're all hung up on how good the victim looks. Why didn't they ask? Why don't you ask?
DAMN YOU ALL. I just don't care anymore. How's that for ya?
As I re-read that last paragraph, my eyes were drawn to the advertisements on the far right of the page. "10 Rules of Fat Burning - Lose 9 lbs every 11 days with these 10 easy rules of diet & fat loss." Fuck you, too. Why must you curse me once, leave for what I thought was going to be forever, and now kick me in the ass yet again? I don't care who thinks I'm wrong anymore. I'm done with society. Sure, I'll still wake up, go to school, go to work, and maybe sleep if I have the time, just as I did before, but this time it's all me. I'll still be the friend I was before, don't worry. Some things never change, and that's one of them.
Can't I just starve this sickness out of me?
Sunday, 4 November 2007
damned feelings.
Apparently I'm really bad at this NaBloPoMo thing. You know why? 'Cause I'm not blonde.
Anywho, I'm sitting at home in the dark, in my own living room, because there's three people (four if you count Steph in the bedroom) sleeping right now. Losers. So I'm confined to a computer that isn't mine in the darkness because I'm too nice to wake them up like they did to me this morning. Grr...
I wish life could be better, even though I'm a happy enough person already. I wish the snow could come and Christmas wouldn't. I wish that I could tell him how I feel, but he was checking out the new girl right in front of me today. I wish she wasn't all hot and girly like she is. I wish she wasn't working in the kitchen, and I hope I don't end up hating her for it. I wish he wasn't training her, either. I wish I didn't work tonight. I wish I had a money tree in my backyard that never loses its bloom. I wish I could see Courtney. Both of them. I wish he liked me the way I like him. I wish I didn't live with Queen Bitch and her minions. I wish she wasn't QB; we used to be so close and now we're not at all. I wish I could lose some of me. I wish for world peace. I wish that I wasn't who I am, but am super thankful that I am the way I am. I wish my friends could all be happy, or at least happier. I wish. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I hope for the future.
Damn it.
On the upside, the people who were asleep in the living room are now awake (only 4 1/2 hours later...), and one of them tipped over a glass of water, and two of them said ''watch the puddle'' about three times before he got up and the fourth time they were saying it, this happened:
Jay: ''watch for the pu...''
Curtis steps right in the puddle. Right in the middle of it, too. It was hilarious. But I'm already late for work, so I have to book it. Through the snow. Boo on weather. Especially in Southern Alberta.
Anywho, I'm sitting at home in the dark, in my own living room, because there's three people (four if you count Steph in the bedroom) sleeping right now. Losers. So I'm confined to a computer that isn't mine in the darkness because I'm too nice to wake them up like they did to me this morning. Grr...
I wish life could be better, even though I'm a happy enough person already. I wish the snow could come and Christmas wouldn't. I wish that I could tell him how I feel, but he was checking out the new girl right in front of me today. I wish she wasn't all hot and girly like she is. I wish she wasn't working in the kitchen, and I hope I don't end up hating her for it. I wish he wasn't training her, either. I wish I didn't work tonight. I wish I had a money tree in my backyard that never loses its bloom. I wish I could see Courtney. Both of them. I wish he liked me the way I like him. I wish I didn't live with Queen Bitch and her minions. I wish she wasn't QB; we used to be so close and now we're not at all. I wish I could lose some of me. I wish for world peace. I wish that I wasn't who I am, but am super thankful that I am the way I am. I wish my friends could all be happy, or at least happier. I wish. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I hope for the future.
Damn it.
On the upside, the people who were asleep in the living room are now awake (only 4 1/2 hours later...), and one of them tipped over a glass of water, and two of them said ''watch the puddle'' about three times before he got up and the fourth time they were saying it, this happened:
Jay: ''watch for the pu...''
Curtis steps right in the puddle. Right in the middle of it, too. It was hilarious. But I'm already late for work, so I have to book it. Through the snow. Boo on weather. Especially in Southern Alberta.
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