Most of the time, I'm really glad that people think I'm not a very good liar. However, most of the time I say I'm a terrible liar, I'm lying. I'm also sarcastic to a fault. Truthfully? I hate both of these things about myself, but I'm not sure how to go about changing them. Also, most of the time, I'm not even sure I want to change them. Oh well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to a final decision.
At the moment, I'm sitting in the computer lab at school, waiting for a classmate of mine, so we can go see a play. I'm terribly excited that I finally [read: FINALLY] found someone who was actually free tonight, and am glad that he's beside himself excited, but at the same time, I'm quite disappointed that none of my first choices were available. I've had this feeling that I made the wrong choice the night I broke up with JR for a few days now. It's not a nice feeling to have, but it's there, and there's nothing I can do about it.
My relationship was new, and could be described as awkward, at best. It was my first relationship, so I had no idea what I was doing 99% of the time, so it took me a few days to figure out what felt off. I liked [really, really liked] him so much, which made it infinitely harder to break up with him. After he left, I felt like shit (sorry for the language), and continued to feel the same way for a few days. I spent the days after immersing myself in work (despite the first day off that I'd been scheduled in a few weeks), and did very little else. During that time, I came to the realization that I really do love my job, and will always be comforted (and sometimes haunted) that it will always be there for me.
When I started at CP two and a half years ago, I had three other jobs, and hardly, if ever, slept. It was sort of comperable to dating 4 people at the same time, actually. I could never keep my schedules straight, I was always (ALWAYS) tired, and was never happy. When I began to look at my life like that, I realized that I should focus on one job, just as people focus on one significant other at a time (or, if they don't, they should). Once I quit my three other jobs (in one week, too), and began focusing on CP, I began improving at an astronomical rate, compared to what it had been before. The most significant thing that changed was that I started caring for a job that I'd hated, and then in time, began to love it. And now that I've spent the past two years 'seeing' CP, it's fairly difficult fitting anything else into the mix. Then JR came along, and I tried, I really tried, to make it work. But, as before, I found myself tired all the time, not able to focus at work (my first love), and always feeling sick because I felt like I was cheating on each of them, with the other. And after only a couple weeks, I ended my first relationship. I'm fairly certain that I blinsided him with it, and never, ever again want to see hurt and betrayal in someone's eyes when they're looking at me.
I've made a resolution/goal/rule for myself for any new relationships I may enter: he must know and understand that until I get my Red Seal, CP will be my first love. I am an apprentice (read: bondservant) of that restaurant, and am at its mercy until I'm done school in May. Painful, trying, frustrating, agonizing, joyful and rewarding as it may be, I'm there for the long haul. Even if the bad outweighs the good and I find myself carrying a letter of resignation around in my purse every day, I just have to consciously find things to make me happy, and keep on keeping on.
And all we know is that things aren't getting better,
So we both hide out as we weather out this storm.
Until we both find hope, we will make each other suffer,
So we go our seperate ways, and hope our paths will cross.
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