With tears streaming down her face,
she pleads to the ceiling,
"WHY ME?! Why now?! Why this time?!"
between her desperate sobs.
Why me? Truly; why do I always have to be the one chosen to give bad news? It's always been this way, and I'm still at a loss for words every time it happens. My close friends and I were supposed to go and visit the one of our group who got married and moved away earlier this year. We planned on going tomorrow. We were going to leave at 9.30. It was going to be the highlight of my month. But, as everything else in my life has brought me pain, my friends were the only constants in my life. And now they've let me down, too. I've been chosen as the one who will call Sarah tomorrow morning and tell her this terrible, terrible news instead of talking about what time we were going to be arriving and fun things like that. I have to be the one to break her heart. Again. For the second time in a week. It never gets any easier as life goes on, breaking your best friend's heart. Even if you've grown apart, it doesn't change the relationship you once had. I haven't seen her in seven months, and damn it, I was so excited to see her tomorrow. But now I can't. Because no one wants to drive in Calgary tomorrow.
I need to get a hold of myself; what good is me sobbing going to do any of this? But, for some unknown reason, I can't seem to stop myself from letting still more tears stream down my face. I really hope I don't start crying tomorrow morning when I phone Sarah, but something inside of me is telling me that I will. If I still prayed, I would pray for comfort and the strength to deal for both of us. But I won't pray. Not this time. A few of you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, please don't ask; I'm not going to tell you. It's nothing personal, I'm just the one calling the shots for a while. (Don't worry een, you'll find out eventually...)
I've just finished a call that came from the friend who's decided that she doesn't want to drive in Calgary tomorrow, and she's offered up a kind of peace offering. Have Sarah come up tomorrow by herself, and we'll pay for the gas. Or, have both Sarah and Jacob come up on Saturday to visit us all for the day and we'll pay for their gas. Either way, I might still get to see her. Although I still have to make the dreaded phone call in the morning, it lessens the sting that my harsh words will cause. Well, since it's 1.15 now, that would make it later today that I have to make the call. But, never-the-less, I still have to break her heart. And it hasn't changed that I don't want to. Probably the only reason I've stopped crying now is that I had to answer my phone. My eyes are already swollen, which doesn't bode well for tomorrow morning. Oh well, it's not like I'm going anywhere now.
I'm writing this in English, because as much as I'd want it to not be this way, my mind's only working in one language at this moment in time. And, seeing as the only physical thing I'm feeling right now is pain, I think it's time for me to sign off for now. Oh, the reason for the pain is because I have blisters on the palms of my hands; I've only found six up 'til now, I'll tell you later if there are more that I've missed. The story behind them is one I'm going to leave for another day, as I have a headache from the tears I shed not even an hour ago. Thanks to those who actually read this entry in its entirety.
~Blackbird
ps-Sarah, if you ever read this, please know that I tried to the fullest of my abilities and strength to change her mind about tomorrow. Please know that if I had the means, I would make the trip myself. Please know that I'm sorry. I'll always be sorry for the times I've had to give you bad news, and that'll never change. Ever. I miss you more than you know, because you're one of the best friends I've ever had. I'm sorry.
