I would like to have a better explanation of my long absence than simply: I've been busy. But I've really just been very, very busy. Like, working 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, BUSY. It's sucked quite a bit, but it pays well... so who am I to complain?

But that's not the reason I'm writing tonight. I'm writing tonight because my soul feels like it's about to shatter, and I don't know what else to do but write it out. I wish that I was braver. I wish so many things all the time that sometimes it feels pointless and the word just loses its meaning. 

Wish. Wish. Wish. Wish. Wish. 

When does it stop meaning something and start just being a sound? What if the sound of your wishes became the white noise in the background of your life? What if you've repeated them to yourself for so long in the hope that your wishes might eventually come true, that they just start becoming sounds with no meaning?

 Wish. Wish. Wish. Wish. 

"Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?"

"I wish I was smarter. I wish I was stronger. I wish I loved Jesus the way _____ does. I wish it had been easier instead of any longer. I wish I could've stood where you would've been proud."

"I look for miles over open seas. This world ain't as pretty as it was. Hypnotized by the ray of earthly dreams. Goin' through the motions just because."

"You may feel alone when you're falling asleep... but I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Someday you will be loved."

Wish. Wish. Wish.

"My supervisor has the unique ability to be able to just look at me and make me feel like I'm the dumbest person on the planet."**

"So _____ just played a round of: Reasons We Don't Like Lacey. I'm not sure if she knew I was standing within earshot or not..."**

"I'm afraid to count the number of times a day people walk away from me while I'm talking to them."**

"I just dropped a paper clip and almost cried. If anything serious happens today, I'm screwed."**

"I was told that I would have a day off if I woke up and it was raining. Normally I wouldn't care either way, but just now I almost threw myself against the ground in protest because it's not raining."**

"After such a good day yesterday, nobody said hi to me this morning (even after I said "good morning *their name*") I'm just going to have to stop hoping to get friends out of this experience, then maybe it won't suck as much."**

"I hate this job. The people don't really talk to me, and make me feel like an idiot for asking questions. Today, supervisor _____ wouldn't even let me say one word before he cut me off with "No." So I tried again, but he did the same thing. Then he walked away."**

"Wrinkly old man at work talking to his friend as I walk by: "I used to do her job, AND I made it look better!" So I turn, expecting it to have been a joke and to throw a comment back, and he was genuinely surprised to see that I had heard him. Awesome."**

"Did I mention that I was so frustrated yesterday that I actually cried? 'Cause that happened..."**

"I wanted to go running mostly to work off some frustration. Mostly I'm just tired of people treating me like a stupid little girl and not listening to me."**

Wish. Wish.

"Come out of sadness 

From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are"

(Crowder)

"All who've strayed and walked away, unspeakable things you've done

Fix your eyes on the mountain, let the past be dead and gone

Come all saints and sinners, you can't outrun God

Whatever you've done can't overcome the power of the blood"

(Crowder)

Wish.

"Here's my heart Lord,

Here's my heart Lord
Here's my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

Here's my heart Lord,
Here's my heart Lord
Here's my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through

Here's my heart Lord,
Here's my heart Lord
Here's my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

Here's my life Lord,
Here's my life Lord
Here's my life Lord,
Speak what is true
Speak what is true
Speak what is true

I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through

You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You're all I have, You're everything

Here's my heart Lord,
Here's my heart Lord
Here's my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

Here's my life Lord,
Here's my life Lord
Here's my life Lord,
Speak what is true
Speak what is true
Speak what is true"

(Crowder)

Wish.

(Quotes marked with ** are texts I've sent.)