I was sad to leave the church I've called home for these past few months today, not because people were gathering around me to bid me tearful farewells, but because they weren't. I slipped out unnoticed even by the pastor who was standing at the door in an effort to greet everyone leaving (as is his habit every week). It wasn't for a lack of trying to sneak out that I passed by unseen by everyone, though... I had tried to approach a number of individuals to whom I've become sort of close during my time there, but they were all either already engaged in conversations or simply too busy chasing their children around to see me.
And it makes me sad to say that what happened today is exactly what I feared would happen 4.5 months ago when I first made the decision to attend regularly, and which is also one of the reasons that caused me great pause when trying to decide to attend church this winter or not. It also pains me to say that it was one simple phrase said to me by the lead pastor that made me aware that I wasn't as invisible as I felt and shocked me quite a bit: "I recognize you from last week." Until that point, I honestly believed that not one person had noticed my presence in the church. Week after week, I sat surrounded by empty chairs in a congregation of what I believed were friendly and loving people, but who never approached me. Even people I recognized from high school didn't greet me, and some of them still have yet to recognize me (and if they have, they never made it known)... and these weren't just casual acquaintances, either. These are people with whom I regularly attended classes and spent countless hours together in extracurricular activities. More than anything, I found these situations shocking and frustrating. I wanted to reconnect with these people but there wasn't even a spark of recognition in their eyes. Have I really changed that much in these past 6 years that people don't even recognize me? Or am I truly that invisible?
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