brain stew.

What do you do when your good isn't good enough?
How many times will it take for me to get it right?

It's been brought to my attention lately (through conversations with my teacher and learning my GPA) that I just didn't do as well as I though I had in my last, and most important, year in culinary school. It's also been brought to my attention that I am not the most effective leader I can be, and that my lack of proper communication skills, diplomacy, subtlety, sensitivity towards others, lack of showing initiative/setting an example for others, etc... is where I'm falling short the most (apparently those aren't the only reasons, either).

I thought, up until this past Tuesday, that I was actually doing quite well at school. It was brought to my attention, however, that I wasn't doing anywhere near as well as I'd thought. I was told so many negative things about myself and my supposed behaviour in the span of 20 minutes that I left so angry and confused that I was shaking. Let it be known that I also lost points in my practical exam for listening to my teacher. Figure that one out.

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I could go back in time to September and do this year of school over again. Knowing what I know now, I would give up almost anything to go back and relive these past 8 months, and have a chance to better defend myself (or defend myself at all) in some key situations. So many things have become so clear to me in the past three days. Many, many missing details have been filled in, and every other perspective of every confusing situation has been revealed... the only piece that's still missing is WHY ME?! And as I typed that, a small part of me already knew that I'll never find out why me. Some things will just always remain a mystery, I guess.

Oh well, such is life. Right?