Here is love; love is here.

Scanning one of my previous posts, I realized I say "that's a story for later", or "more on that later" a LOT. Sorry dudes! I promise I'll try to explain most of them...eventually. This one, specifically, will be about my time at The Gate. Let me begin by saying that I LOVE THE GATE. Love it.

So, on with my story. My brother brought me to the church for the first time probably 3.5 years ago, and at the time I was going through a rough patch with God (well, completely ignoring Him, denying Him...ya know), so it was nothing memorable; uncomfortable, even. Every time L would come back to town, we'd go to church then hang out for a bit, usually cause I had to work all day Saturday, then Sunday afternoon, and for the time to hang out with L, going to church an unbeliever was a consession I was willing to make. I sat through probably a dozen or so services through the past 3 years, and little by little, I guess God was poking and prodding at my conscience, trying to get me to pay attention. Most of the time, though, I'd sit through the service and think about what I'd have to do at work that day, what happened at work the day before, reciting songs in my mind... anything to get my attention away from The Big Guy Upstairs.

I'm not exactly sure when things changed, but I remember being at work one day, and realizing that I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't happy with my work, my social life (or lack thereof), or anything, really. I decided that moving home for the summer was in my (and my bank account's) best interest, and decided that I'd give church one more shot. After all, BBC is my home church, and every once in a while, they still send me care packages and notes of encouragement (which I enjoy). So I moved in with my aunt and uncle who happen to conveniently live about 2.5 blocks away from BBC. I couldn't justify not going. So I put on airs (and a skirt) and willingly went back to church for the first time since I left Egrn 4 years previous. Much to my dismay, then pleasure, I actually liked it. Sure it didn't feel great at first, but I was distracted from all the awkwardness by people who hadn't seen me in forever and wanted to catch up. Thankfully, SF spoke that first week, and that instantly made me feel more comfortable. Then when we went for coffee later in the summer, he helped me sort through some things I'd been avoiding for the better part of my 22 years. So thank you, S, for inviting me to Auxano, for speaking at church, for being willing to listen to incoherant ramblings of a pseudo-believer, and for being an all-around awesome guy! Your family is lucky to have you.

Anywho, when I came back to Leth in the fall, I don't know why I decided on The Gate to be my home church. Maybe because it's close to CP? Plausible. Maybe because it's where L goes whenever he's in town? Perhaps. Maybe because God decided to plant me there? Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! So it was God. Huh.

Also, let it be known that I hate doing new things or being in any kind of spotlight. I'll actually go out of my way, or even out of my comfort zone, to avoid attention sometimes. So the fact that I went to a place where I didn't know anyone and was forced to interact with people I had never seen before (and would hopefully see again, but I wasn't sure, and that's what I was deciding) was monumental. The first Sunday I walked into The Gate, I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, anger, awkwardness, embarrassment, hope and comfort. Believe it or not (pun not intended, but welcome), church was always where I'd felt the most comfortable, and part of my reasoning for leaving was trying to see if it was a 'I grew up with it and that's why I'm comfortable' or more of a 'this is God's house' kind of comfortable. So it was God. Huh.

And after I got over the I'm-new-here-and-don't-know-anyone heebeejeebees (sp?)/met some people, I found that I actually liked it. Oh, and there was this cute guy who played guitar (but that's beside the point/history). So I went back. And after the first two or three times, people started remembering me. Gasp! Now people knew my face (and sometimes my name even), and were trying to get to know me. I found my way into a community group (only the coolest community group, for the record), and people began to know me even more. Oh noes! Now if I showed up on Sunday (and I've only missed one since I moved back, and it was xmas and I was in RD, and at BBC), I couldn't be that nameless face at the back who could (and did) slip out without anyone noticing. Crap.

[in a big, sports announcer voice] And this is community.

But I'm happy here, despite things happening/not happening the way I thought they would. I have a group of people around me for the first time in 4 years who actually care how I feel and what's happening in my life. I've met a bunch of really cool people that I can't imagine not knowing now that we've started to get to know each other (BH and AN, for example). I also love that I can have debates with my pastor about how many primal cuts are on a side of beef, then in the same breath have him quote scripture.

This is the kind of church I dreamed of when I was little. I dreamed of a place where I could go and not feel like I was lost in the crowd, but feel welcomed and at home when I walked in on Sunday morning. I dreamed of a place where the pastor's wife didn't gossip about my mom to her friends, but then pretend to be my mom's friend on Sunday morning. I prayed for a place where, if I didn't feel like wearing fancy clothes, I wouldn't be judged for wearing jeans. I dreamed of a church that wasn't a fashion show, or a place to show off your newest whatever. I wanted a church that was real, and full of real people who cared about one another, and who were there for God first and foremost, but the friends there were just a bonus. (And at The Gate, we're mostly all friends, which is a breath of fresh air. Or, if we're not, we at least recognize each other and say hi when we see each other at Starbucks.) I've also dreamed of having friends in Leth -- I've had friends at work, and I've had friends from school, but no one that I could call up randomly and go for coffee with them. Since regularly going to The Gate, I've found friends again. Only two so far, but I'm hopeful for the future.

Well, the time has come for me to go to Community Group#2! Peace, all. And have a fabulous day/week/month/time until we speak again.

-L

ps- Here's my new dilemma: Graduating, quitting my job and moving away have always been synonymous for me, as I haven't really fallen in love with Leth, and have always been looking for a way out. However, recently, every time I think about graduating and moving away, I find I get that this-isn't-right feeling in the pit of my stomach, and find something else I love about this city/another reason I should stay here. It's still in my plan to flee the country, but the when isn't decided yet. I think I'll just focus on graduating (well, and studying/not failing anything until then), then my trip in the summer. Yes, that's what I'll do.