Oh boy. Religious debate with a friend right now.
Let me update y'all on what's been going on with me and what I've been dealing with this past month-ish... (written for something else)
There's totally an L on your forehead and it doesn't stand for Loser...
LIAR!
Everyone lies; it's built into us. All my life I've been taught that non-Christians lie, so I have to believe that it's true right? There are a few good non-Christians out there, but they're few and far between; it's what I've been taught my whole life, so it has to be right...right? All non-Christians smoke, drink and swear, too...right? It's not like your parents told you that non-Christians were bad news and that you should stay away from them, so why do we stay away from where they are? In fear of doing something that your parents or your pastor told you was wrong? Out of your own fear of doing something wrong? Because someone might see you doing something you told them was wrong? Whichever of these or other excuses it is, it's not the right one. You need to do things for yourself, not others.
My whole life I was told what was right and what was wrong, and I followed the path that had been set out before me. I danced. I sang in a choir. I did what was expected of me in school. I attended Sunday School, and then when I was deemed 'acceptable,' I taught Sunday School. I sang on a Worship Team. I volunteered in the Nursery. I counseled at summer camps. I did everything I was expected to do and then some. So why did I always feel like I was running to keep up with everything else?
The facade that I was living was exhausting to keep up with. I can't really say that I 'crashed,' though, when I saw what I was doing. I just came to a gradual realization that I don't actually believe in God, I was just taught that He was the only right decision to make for my life. So I always made the 'right' choices instead of just stopping and thinking about what I was doing. Something felt wrong about the way I was living my life, but I could never put my finger on what exactly it was. I never saw that I was doing all that for someone else. I danced for my mom. I sang for the credits. I pulled out average grades in school to graduate on time. I was expected to attend Sunday School by everyone at church. I was also expected to teach it for that same reason. I sang on the Worship Team because they needed another female voice. I volunteered in the Nursery because they needed someone else to look after the [two] kids. I counseled because they were in desperate need of female counselors. I’ve never done anything for myself. I fell through the cracks of life. I got swept along with the crowd. I pulled it off with a reasonably good attitude and a smile…doing it all to what I thought was the best of my ability. Turns out I was sorely mistaken.
Oh well, though. Life goes on, right? It has been for me; and actually, it’s been going better than anticipated. My stomach issues have almost solved themselves, I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself thinking, and just basically evaluating my life as a whole. I’ve been thinking that it’s not going to be as hard as I’d thought, starting my life almost over again. It’s been difficult, trying to decide what I actually believe; but all in all, I’m pretty confident that it’s all going to solve itself in due time. This beast of an entry has been a few days coming and so I’m going to post it now and worry about any editing (irony…?) later. I’m tired and I want to just be done with this thing and move on with what’s left of my life…
So there it is. There I am. In all its glory and truth; my life in the past mon...well, my whole life, actually. So, now that you're all up-to-date in the life of Blackbird, I'll tell you what was going on tonight to make me so incredibly stressed.
I was talking to a friend of mine who's got some really messed views (or so I found out tonight) about God and all things related to Him. What he thinks really doesn't matter at this point; but the part that is vital in all this is that I don't really believe any of it anymore (anything about God/anything related to Him), and I'm really confused about other things related to it, too. My friends who were with me around the house at the time I was talking with him wanted to know why I was acting funny, so I told them that he was trying to debate religion with me and how I didn't know what to say. At all. I totally blanked. Everything I'd ever learned was *poof!* gone.
So, my friends took control of the conversation and basically used me as a puppet for the rest of the debate. My friends over here were all laughing at the fact that I was freaking out, but it wasn't a great feeling; in fact, I haven't been able to fully concentrate on anything since and I have a headache from the sheer amount of information being passed between everyone. It was a great debate, mind you, but it was so incredibly intense that I couldn't handle it after about half-way. And it just kept going, like the freaking Energizer Bunny. On and on it went for another hour; the questions from either side never ending. All in all, it was an okay conversation, but it’s one that I could have done without, no less. But it gave me an insight as to what I’m getting myself into. But, as I’ve been working on this post for the past few days, I’ll post this and reflect on my thoughts later…
It’s late again, and I have to move tomorrow…and I haven’t even started packing yet…
~Blackbird
Let me update y'all on what's been going on with me and what I've been dealing with this past month-ish... (written for something else)
There's totally an L on your forehead and it doesn't stand for Loser...
LIAR!
Everyone lies; it's built into us. All my life I've been taught that non-Christians lie, so I have to believe that it's true right? There are a few good non-Christians out there, but they're few and far between; it's what I've been taught my whole life, so it has to be right...right? All non-Christians smoke, drink and swear, too...right? It's not like your parents told you that non-Christians were bad news and that you should stay away from them, so why do we stay away from where they are? In fear of doing something that your parents or your pastor told you was wrong? Out of your own fear of doing something wrong? Because someone might see you doing something you told them was wrong? Whichever of these or other excuses it is, it's not the right one. You need to do things for yourself, not others.
My whole life I was told what was right and what was wrong, and I followed the path that had been set out before me. I danced. I sang in a choir. I did what was expected of me in school. I attended Sunday School, and then when I was deemed 'acceptable,' I taught Sunday School. I sang on a Worship Team. I volunteered in the Nursery. I counseled at summer camps. I did everything I was expected to do and then some. So why did I always feel like I was running to keep up with everything else?
The facade that I was living was exhausting to keep up with. I can't really say that I 'crashed,' though, when I saw what I was doing. I just came to a gradual realization that I don't actually believe in God, I was just taught that He was the only right decision to make for my life. So I always made the 'right' choices instead of just stopping and thinking about what I was doing. Something felt wrong about the way I was living my life, but I could never put my finger on what exactly it was. I never saw that I was doing all that for someone else. I danced for my mom. I sang for the credits. I pulled out average grades in school to graduate on time. I was expected to attend Sunday School by everyone at church. I was also expected to teach it for that same reason. I sang on the Worship Team because they needed another female voice. I volunteered in the Nursery because they needed someone else to look after the [two] kids. I counseled because they were in desperate need of female counselors. I’ve never done anything for myself. I fell through the cracks of life. I got swept along with the crowd. I pulled it off with a reasonably good attitude and a smile…doing it all to what I thought was the best of my ability. Turns out I was sorely mistaken.
Oh well, though. Life goes on, right? It has been for me; and actually, it’s been going better than anticipated. My stomach issues have almost solved themselves, I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself thinking, and just basically evaluating my life as a whole. I’ve been thinking that it’s not going to be as hard as I’d thought, starting my life almost over again. It’s been difficult, trying to decide what I actually believe; but all in all, I’m pretty confident that it’s all going to solve itself in due time. This beast of an entry has been a few days coming and so I’m going to post it now and worry about any editing (irony…?) later. I’m tired and I want to just be done with this thing and move on with what’s left of my life…
So there it is. There I am. In all its glory and truth; my life in the past mon...well, my whole life, actually. So, now that you're all up-to-date in the life of Blackbird, I'll tell you what was going on tonight to make me so incredibly stressed.
I was talking to a friend of mine who's got some really messed views (or so I found out tonight) about God and all things related to Him. What he thinks really doesn't matter at this point; but the part that is vital in all this is that I don't really believe any of it anymore (anything about God/anything related to Him), and I'm really confused about other things related to it, too. My friends who were with me around the house at the time I was talking with him wanted to know why I was acting funny, so I told them that he was trying to debate religion with me and how I didn't know what to say. At all. I totally blanked. Everything I'd ever learned was *poof!* gone.
So, my friends took control of the conversation and basically used me as a puppet for the rest of the debate. My friends over here were all laughing at the fact that I was freaking out, but it wasn't a great feeling; in fact, I haven't been able to fully concentrate on anything since and I have a headache from the sheer amount of information being passed between everyone. It was a great debate, mind you, but it was so incredibly intense that I couldn't handle it after about half-way. And it just kept going, like the freaking Energizer Bunny. On and on it went for another hour; the questions from either side never ending. All in all, it was an okay conversation, but it’s one that I could have done without, no less. But it gave me an insight as to what I’m getting myself into. But, as I’ve been working on this post for the past few days, I’ll post this and reflect on my thoughts later…
It’s late again, and I have to move tomorrow…and I haven’t even started packing yet…
~Blackbird
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